American Dust

A random blog that features things like soccer, politics, personal financial advise, and sometimes comics.

zhu zhu pets

Posted by americandust on January 26, 2010

Email2,613 views | Zhu Zhu Pets You know what the world needs? Fake Hamster toys. Toys that do what Hamsters do, but without the guilt of letting them die when you forget to feed them. Because you know, hamsters are awesome, right?

You’ll Never Think of the Phrase “Man Cave” The Same Way Again.
Just The Facts
1.Zhu Zhu pets are toy hamsters that make noises and move around.
2.Zhu Zhu pets are the hot, hard to find, toy of Christmas 2009.
3.In addition to the actual toy hamsters, you can buy tons of accessories for them.
4.Zhu Zhu pets are basically Stompers with fur and funny noises.
Cracked on Zhu Zhu Pets.
When you were a kid did you ever really, really want a pet hamster but have your mom say no? Well for the one in three thousand of you who said yes, you basically missed the boat on this toy by about three decades.

Thanks to cheap crappy toy makers in China, you can now own a fake hamster that does several things real hamsters do and several dozen things you could never get a hamster to do. That’s right, no more watching stupid dancing hamster clips on the ‘net and pretending it’s your own pet. Also, it looks like someone has shaved their hamsters with symbols. And not even cool satanic symbols, it’s like hearts and other gay shit.

Remember when people used to shave the Nike symbol in their hair? That had nothing to do with this photo but that was pretty fucking stupid too.

From their Webpage
“Zhu Zhu pets are the best alternative to real live hamsters” claims the webpage. Hamsters that “don’t poop, die, or stink, but they are still a riot of motion and sound.” You can’t argue with that kind of logic, can you? Oh wait, you can… because as I recall hamsters don’t make rooster sounds, “zoink” sounds, or run around powered by two wheels. Exactly what is a “riot of motion and sound” anyway? A mob maybe? A real life mob marching in the street to execute the bourgeoisie capitalist scum that keeps making their kids fall in love with increasingly inane objects that offer billions of accessories to soak up the last dime a working class family can cut from their meager budget… now that’s a “riot of motion and sound.” Also, I noticed Zhu Zhu pets don’t try to eat each other after mating.

And why the fuck are they driving cars? Do these people even know what a hamster is?

According to LOLCATS, these are “meals on wheels.” According to normal people this is nearly as fucking retarded as LOLCATS.

Replacing Childhood With More Sanitized Fake Crap
If more people read Cracked’s Guide to Raising Children, the world would be a better place, but instead we’re stuck with the following observations:

Remember how kids used to go outside and play sports? Well now they can play them on videogames and not get dirty or even hurt.

Remember how kids used to hang out with their friends in groups at another friend’s house? Well now they can just get online together in chat rooms or play games against each other via online video games.

Remember how all kids in the classroom were expected to do the same work and to obey the same rules? Well now they all have Individual Learning Plans that are catered to their tastes and varying levels of ability to sit down and pay attention… and everyone gets a good grade.

Remember how kids used to be sweet on each other and “go-together”? Now they can just text each other pictures of their junk.

Remember how kids used to use their imagination to make games and objects out of old boxes and stuff lying around the house? Now they can recycle empty boxes and watch high definition DVD’s for hours on end without once ever having to be creative.

Remember how kids used to have real pets and learn responsibility by having to take care of them? Well now they can just turn their pets off when they tire of their shit.

Isn’t it great that parents can trade away lessons in physical fitness, social interaction, creativity, and responsibility in exchange for keeping kids very clean and very socially awkward?

Remember how kids used to grow up to be contributors to society? Well now they can grow up, see a psychiatrist four times a week to try to deal with the pressures of working at McDonalds for a boss who isn’t very understanding of their likes and needs. But their self-esttem will still be through the fuckin’ roof.

This is what your kids will grow up to be.

Buy ‘Em While You Can… the Recall on Zhu Zhu Pets Is Only Weeks Away
Seriously… if we’ve learned anything from reading about popular Christmas toys the last few years it is that these things are totally going to get recalled. Soon. Remember how someone found out that Aquadots plus water equals Roofies? Yeah, well these Zhu Zhu craps have high powered wheels on them and the packaging encourages kids to snuggle them next to their face. It’s only a matter of time till some girl gets her hair clogged in a wheel and these things are going to be recalled (and unlike Stompers, they don’t have a reverse that prevents perminant hair-wrapping around the wheels).

Photo Taken Two Seconds Before Lilly Had To Get a Butch Haircut To Free Her Beloved Zhu Zhu Pet From Hair Entanglement. Also, While She Was Distracted Tommy Felt Her Up.


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Westboro Baptist Church

Posted by americandust on January 26, 2010

You know those pictures of “Christians” who stand around holding signs that say shit like “God Hates Fags”? This is those guys. Yep, it’s just one parish. This should be like shooting fish in a barrel. Except not fish, but gangrenous cocks.

And You Hated It When Your Parents Made You DRESS UP for Church

The WBC “Bible”

Wait, How Did A Hot Chick Get In This Mess? Oh, She’s Probably Photoshopped.
Just The Facts
1.Shakespeare said “The Lady Doth Protest Too Much.” There’s no way someone makes such an ass out of trying to make a point unless they are trying to cover something up.
2.They get way more exposure than they deserve. Unless the whole thing is a joke cooked up by a still-alive Andy Kaufman. In that case, you’re going too far Andy, you’re going too far.
3.You know who makes homemade signs? Cheerleaders. These guys are like cheerleaders for stupidity.
4.When they die, they won’t go to heaven or hell – God will just ignore them. That is way funnier.
Who are These Wackos?
The Church was started in 1955 by Fred Phelps and was presumably as bat-shit crazy back then as it is now but nobody knew about it until they started protesting pretty much everything in 1991. The church started in Kansas, which is like Christianity’s Fallujah.

The Westboro Babtist Church is not recognized by any Baptist organizations. That’s right, even Southern Baptists who are protesting the immoral lifestyle of Mickey Mouse look at these guys and say “no way are we getting mixed up with that crazy shit.”

The WBC believes pretty much all other Christian churches are Satanic if they’re not as anti-gay as them. This includes, well, everyone else.

The protests/homemade sign orgy started with any gay-related event then branched into the funerals of gays… including those who had been murdered for being gay. Then they took their act on the road to protest pop music concerts and Kansas City Chiefs games. But not because those two things suck… nope, they just saw a large crowd and decided they needed all the fuckin’ attention they could get.

In 1998 CNN gave these freaks national exposure by covering their protesting of Matthew Shepard’s funeral. Shepard had been beaten to death for being gay and these media whores saw an opportunity to get some face time on CNN back when CNN mattered. Once a media whore gets a hit from being on national T.V. it consumes themselves to the point where nothing else in life matters. That first hit is free, you know, but soon there comes a price. By then you’re addicted (right Paris?) and soon it takes even bigger and bigger piles of attention to satisfy your need.

Apparently feeling that there were some Conservatives who didn’t hate them, the Church decided during the Iraq War to start protesting the funerals of veterans because they claimed God was punishing America for allowing homosexuality within its borders. At first many locals thought the deceased soldier had been a homosexual until everyone caught on that the protestors were retarded.

A Proven Technique for Making 3 Idiots Look Like a Crowd: Use Lots of Signs.

Most Baffling Protests
Trying to create a list of most-baffling actions by these guys is a bit like deciding which monkey at the zoo is acting the most monkey-like (answer: it’s the one throwing his shit at the other monkeys). But even these nutjobs sometimes cross the threshold from bat-shit-crazy into a whole new theoretical 5th dimension of crazy. Here’s our favorites:

Following Sweden’s arrest of an anti-gay Preacher, the Westboro Church Protested a local appliance store because they sold Swedish vacuum cleaners. Perhaps he caught a “edited for TV” version of Austin Powers and misunderstood the Swedish Penis Pump scene.

Protested the funeral of the leader of the LDS (Mormon) church on the basis that he wasn’t anti-gay enough.

In April 2008 the church protested the funerals of three college students who died in a house fire. Imagine that, these guys are anti-education too.

Protested the funeral of a victim of the Canadian Greyhound bus stabbing. That’s right… they protested a funeral where a guy was the victim of a psychopath. You’re either against the psychopaths or you’re with them, and guess which side the WBC is on.

Recorded a version of Michael Jackson’s “We Are The World” entitled “God Hate’s the World.” As if the original wasn’t bad enough.

What About The Vacuum-Enablers, Are They Going To Hell Too?

Even Hitler Liked Dogs
A running joke in history departments is that “Even Hitler Liked Dogs” which is a reference to the idea that every person has at least one good trait no matter how evil/crazy/douche he is.

In that spirit, we should note Fred Phelps was active in the Civil Rights Movement. However, in recent years the WBC has portrayed African-American Politicians as gorillas if they support homosexual rights. Then inexplicably, they included swastikas on the gorillas.

Oh, and the Church has taken aim at foreign nationalities like Italy for being “mobster-breeding perverts.” Isn’t stereotyping fun? Next week they’ll be calling Poland “full of stupid people who put screen doors on submarines.”

A good way to know you suck is when you’re existence serves to transform the image of everyone else. In other words, think of the worst people you know… okay… and now you have to admit they suck less then the WBC. Way less…

In that spirit some motorcycle riders sprang to national prominence when they decided to focus all the badassness they supposedly represent by being bikers into an actual act of badassidry. The Patriot Guard Riders (who admittedly are mostly badass veterans) started by attending funerals of vets where the WBC showed up and drowned out the idiocy of the WBC with their bikes. This is fighting douchery with less-offensive douchery. And you know what… it’s awesome. It really is awesome that they did this. But what is even more awesome is they later expanded their efforts to include WBC protests other then soldier funerals. That’s right… burly bikers standing up for gay rights activists. What a wonderful bit of world unity the WBC has brought about… a unity based on the knowledge that the WBC sucks major ass.

Not Pictured: Douchebags from the WBC Who Have Been Drowned Out By These Guys’ Awesomeness.

Getting Even
The worst part is that we can’t just outlaw these idiots because, well, that’d be letting the idiots win. This is America damnit, and the idiots are free too required to open their mouth and confirm that they are in fact, idiots.

This Guy’s Got The Right Idea, But There Has To Be SOMETHING Rational People Can Do, Right?

What about this: next Sunday show up outside their church with signs that read: “God Hates Nutjobs,” “Hardcore Gay Sex: Don’t Hate It Till You’ve Tried It,” and finally, “Even Scientologists Make More Sense Then You.”

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Winter Olympics

Posted by americandust on January 26, 2010

Email350 views | 2010 Winter Olympics Remember when people gave a shit about the Olympics? Well even then nobody cared about the WINTER Olympics. Today’s Olympics are trying to reinvent themselves as the even less popular kid brother of the Summer Olympics.

Just The Facts
1.The 2010 Winter Olympics Will Be Held In Vancouver, Canada.
2.Canada is a beast at Winter Olympic games… sometimes finishing third in medal totals.
3.These Olympics are part of a campaign to fulfill Canada’s deepest dreams–to become the next Japan (not in terms of technology or economic importance, just in weirdness).
Cracked on the 2010 Winter Olympics
So it’s pretty well established that the Winter Olympics are a cheap knock-off of the Summer Olympics. The fact that the Summer Olympics suck so bad that the biggest story to come from them came from the exciting world of swimming tells you how sad the Olympics have became. The Winter events are notoriously worse.

In a move to try to save the sagging Winter Olympics, the IOC gave the games to that cutting edge, trendsetting nation we all love: Canada. This is like Nike turning to Quaker Oates to ask how to regain thier cool image.

So the Canadians decide they wanted to break out of their current image by going ape-shit crazy post-modern. While the Canadians got the ball rolling, even the US decided to go retro-future-modern-idiotic with their efforts (by having Ralph Lauren design yuppie douchebag outfits for the “athletes” to wear).

Behold: The Craptacular 2010 Winter Olympics

The 2010 Medals
The whole Gold, Silver, Bronze thing is an icon. So why not screw with that icon and make the medals (the thing dedicated athletes have worked their whole damn lives to achieve) the most unattractive thing you’ve ever seen. Take that dedicated athlete of a sport very few people give a shit about. Here, we DARE you to wear this piece of crap around your neck. It looks like someone bought a small coaster from Pier One and put it on a participation medal from your local spelling bee. Seriously, your child can make a better one and it shows you how on this page.

“Okay, Who Put My Foil Covered Chocolate Coins Near the Heater?”

What on Earth led to this? Oh, I see… they’re from recycled materials, aren’t they. Maybe they recycled the old 1998 Calgary medals that even the winners don’t give a crap about anymore. But why are they Wavy? Did Lay’s Potato Chips sponsor these pieces of crap?

Wait… they let Shaun White design these, didn’t they?

Cheap T-Shirt for Kids at Target, or crime Against Humanity?

2010 Olympic Mascot
Okay, to be fair Olympic Mascots are usually required to be retarded.

Oh dear god it gets worse then ever before.

Okay… we have a sasquatch, an eagle-fox, and a naked goth chick sporting an alfalfa haircut. Yep… it seems Canadians are trying to become the new Japan. But why does a freakin’ sasquatch need earmuffs?

2010 Logo
Okay, the Winter Olympic Logos are usually kinda cool. This is where sleek and modern design really comes into play so lets look at…

Really? This is the one thing you decide to not futurize? You just put the classic Olympic symbol underneath your lame “Canadian Stonehenge”?

The Worst (Sadly) The Best Scene From Transformer’s 3: Revenge of the Rock-Bots.

Olympic Torch
Perhaps the greatest symbol of all the Olympics is the torch. So imagine a committee gathering somewhere to design this icon’s update for 2010. Apparently we forgot to mention the committee is full of total stoners (Shaun White again?) as they made the thing look like a freakin’ joint.

Giant Joint, or Giant Tampon Applicator on Fire? Either Way Shaun White Is Good To Go.

How To Save The Winter Olympics
There is still hope that the Winter Olympics could one day be awesome again finally. As the games incorporate more and more of the X-games style events things are getting better. However, a few minor changes could be made in the older, more established games to make this THE must-see event of the year. A few modest changes we here at cracked recommend include:

And finally a way losers from the earlier events can still participate in some form in the later events of the Olympics:

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Reality TV Casting

Posted by americandust on January 26, 2010

Email430 views | Reality TV Casting Reality shows are like normal shows, except you don’t need a real plot, just some vague goal/reward. Also, you don’t hire professional actors with talent, you just cast a wide variety of people who will hate each other.

It’s like a cracked reader’s satuday night, only without porn on the tv.

Just Like The Real Mason-Dixon Line, This One Divides the Culture from the Crap
Just The Facts
1.Reality TV is very popular with networks because it’s very cheap to make them.
2.For some reason people watch these shows.
3.In real life, racial profiling is wrong. In TV reality shows, it is a way of life.
The Requirements:
In the big book of Reality TV casting, there are several requirements. We used to call these requirements “sterotypes” but now they are “reality TV fundamentals.”

Start your casting with a homosexual. Said homosexual should be as homosexual as possilbe. Don’t cast an ex-marine who is gay, instead cast a hairdressor. Don’t cast a lipstick lesbian (assuming they really exist), we have to have a truck-driving lesbian. You know, if Hollywood is open minded why do these producers seem stuck with 1980’s style cliches when it comes to homosexuals? In fact, perhaps the only way you could further set back societal relations woudl be to include a lazy minority. This brings us to our second required character:

A Minority who doesn’t do anything. You have to find the laziest person of color to include on this cast. Bonus points if you find a minority who is incredibly muscular but yet still won’t get off his bed/matt/sand dune to get dinner going. Also, make sure they bitch about the game a lot and threaten to quit and go home. This character provides great contrast for…

The Minority who does almost everything. This guy or girl is a shinning example of what a human should be. Maybe they grew up in a bad home life and became a lawyer/cop/superhero and are willing to lead their team/group/castmates to glory in all competitions. Because of this, they will be voted out pretty early as they are the prime threat to our next required character:

A loudmouthed woman. Every show needs one of these to stir shit up. Seriously. You know that loud woman on the bus who’s yelling on the phone at her best friend about what a skanky ho their other best friend is? Yep, she’s going to be on Survivor next year. She’s suffering from a bad self-image complex do to previous bad social interactions with very attractive females. That means you should also cast…

Very Attractive Females. Lots of very attractive females. These are required elements because they create fake drama amongst themselves (“oh no, she’s hitting on my guy”) and real drama with the loudmouthed woman. Also, they create ratings gold. Nobody would watch unfunny unattractive people on TV so if you’re going to have shows without jokes you’d better make the people in them hot. Plus they so easily manipulate the….

Pretty Boys. Yep, the homosexual will call them “twinks” and the Very Attractive Females will call them “slaves,” but these doe-eyed teens/early 20’s guys are necessary to give women a reason to watch the show. Otherwise they might catch on that reality TV does nothing but further promote the idea that women are so petty and bitchy that they would do anything to disrupt their fellow women’s paths to progress. Meanwhile the pretty boys actually do the opposite when it comes to men, they help improve the image of regular guys as their wives/girlfriends/mistresses will all see that pretty boys are quite needy and useless in the wild. This makes regular and ugly guys seem more useful. That’s why you need…

Blue Collar/Redneck Guy. Boy won’t it be fun to have a fish out of water story where a blue collar guy/redneck winds up realizing he’s totally the strange one in his group? Imagine his horror to discover he’s surrounded by people who are smart and have bright futures ahead of them. Bonus points if the redneck is racist and can’t do a good job of hiding it. Ultimatley this guy is doomed and his only chance is to latch onto the…

Mastermind middle aged white guy. The M.M.A.W.G. is the heart of the show. Every story needs a good villian and this guy is the villian. His ability to use the Blue Collar guy and the Minority who does nothing while luring over just enough of the Very Attractive Girls to form a solid unbeatable block drives the show. That is until the others in the group can openly admit they are putty in his hands and they must get rid of him. This way viewers get to feel that good has trumped evil in the end and that it’s not completely unrewarding for the viewer that the pretty boy or pretty girl won the prize.

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Middle Aged White Guys

Posted by americandust on January 26, 2010

Email550 views | Middle Aged White Guys Need a villain /lackey /butt of every joke for your book, script, show, or commercial? Scared that anti-defamation leagues and advocacy groups will be coming for you if you choose wrongly? Solution: The Middle Aged White Guy!

Just The Facts
1.Middle Age White Guys are the last demographic without some sort of advocacy group.
2.Everyone knows at least one jerk Middle Aged White Guy they can associate evil with.
3.You don’t have to feel bad about Middle Aged White Guys being your foil/butt/butt of every joke since it is balanced out by them having all the power in the world.
4.Seriously, the Middle Aged White Guy is keeping you/women/minorities/teens down. This is payback time.
Cracked on Middle Aged White Guys

Villains: Every good story/movie/comic needs one to make the story worthwhile. But it could be someone disturbing if someone walks in mid-show (or picks up mid-comic) and finds the super attractive hero punching a person of color or a woman right in the face. Hopefully that would make most of us stop for a minute and say, “what’s going on here?” If not, there must be something wrong with you. In a world where literally anything could be taken out of context at the drop of a hat, producers/writers/casting directors have to be very conscious of every choice they make.
At the same time, so much of humor is built upon making fun of someone. It seems someone has to be the butt of every joke, right? So it’s only natural that in a genre like commercials where you have about 20 seconds before the logo is splashed across the screen that a quick unoriginal joke where one character comes off as an idiot is going to dominate. That said, how do you think they go about picking who to be the idiot?
The Butt/Butt of the Joke Should meet at least three of these demands…
1) Look as if they are powerful. This means we will believe them as a villain, and also that we will get more enjoyment from the humor of knocking them down a bit by making them the butt of a joke.
2) Not have been the victim of decades of repression. It’s just hard to root against for the guy who’s been kicked down by society for so many years. Also, laugh a bit too hard about someone making fun of a minority and people will start to ask questions (just ask Chris Rock why he changed his comedy stylings a few years back).
3) Not be a woman. The treatment of women by popular culture has come so far in just a few decades that it would be a major step back for them to be portrayed as evil shrews or bubbly idiots like they were always portrayed in the 70’s and 80’s.
4) Should not be young. Remember the key demographic everyone is trying to get is that 18-35 year old demographic. This is because they are the key moviegoers and the idiots who buy shit nobody really needs (like exercise equipment that lets you do push-ups and pull-ups you could do on your own without the $90 equipment). Movie going 18 year olds have bought into the fact that they are the oppressed heroes of their own lives, the last thing they would do would be root for a Middle Aged Man to overcome the technology savvy Teen.

From Top (Clockwise) A Perfect Villan, A Perfect Butt of a Joke, and What Intern Kelly Insists is a Perfect Villan With A Perfect Butt.

M.A.W.G. as the butt of the joke: The Sonic Commercials
Ever seen a Sonic commercial? Standard set up… two people in the car, one person is the straight guy (which can be a girl or even a homosexual male, this phrase is used in a comedic sense, that is to say that they set up the joke) and the other is going to be the butt of the joke. Guess who’s the butt of the joke?

But even in the category of “Sonic Commercials there’s a few different spins on how you make the Middle Aged White Guy the butt of the jokes. We call these…

1) Behind Every Great Man There’s A Great Woman… who has to do everything for her useless man-child of a husband, observe:

See, how would that man-child ever survive without a smart woman to drag his sorry butt through life. Hell, lets be honest here, the only non-white middle aged man on TV who gets treated that bad by his wife is Jon from the popular show “Jon & Kate plus Eight get divorced” on TLC

2) The Cuckholded Hubby

Since he’s such a man-child he couldn’t possibly satisfy his wifes needs, but guess who could? Anyone who’s not a Middle Aged White Guy. Seriously, this could only be more obvious if they named the meteorologist “Jerome Johnson” or “Pablo Torres.” As is, Dewayne Twill is left open only slightly to debate.
3) Even when the setup is two men in the car…. It’s probably smart to broaden your demographic base by hinting at a homosexual relationship, but the laws of Sonic commercial humor requires one of the two guys has to be the butt of the joke… and it sure as hell isn’t going to be the slightly more “ethnic” looking one, is it?

M.A.W.G. as the villan: Brinks Home Security
You know, it must suck to have to write and produce commercials that basically promote a product based on fear. The writers of home security service commercials have the added trap of trying to figure out whom to make the villain. But don’t worry; here comes Middle Aged White Guy to the rescue (and by “rescue” we mean playing the thug who’s breaking in and thus threatening the lives of the pretty little single mother and her adorable kids).

Bonus points! This dude is even bald so as to provide a much-needed link to neo-nazism. Just like how the villains in Tom Clancy’s “Sum of All Fears” were changed from Islamic radicals to Neo-Nazis for the 2002 movie adaptation, this guy just reeks of purely contrived evil laid on nice and thick.
Every other Brinks Home Security Ad features pretty much the same setup and only the victims change. Statistically White People commit 2 out of every 3 burglaries, but one of those 2 is someone younger then the Middle Aged White Guy. So to be fair Brinks should run commercials in the following pattern featuring these burglars: Young White Guy, Middle Aged White Guy, Black Guy… repeat pattern 34 times then throw in one with a Asian/Pacific Burglar, then repeat whole process. But let’s be honest, they don’t let Asians on TV in any role that isn’t as a super smart sidekick or a menial services provider.

Right Guys?

“We All Agwee Veraly Veraly Much… And Think You for Your Tiny Bit Roles Despite Our Soon Becoming the Largest Nationality On the Earth.” (Not Pictured: Every Taxi Driver On A TV Show Since 1990)

M.A.W.G. Cannot Outsmart Young Guy: The Entire Marketing Plan of Apple Computers
Like we said earlier, the key demographic is young males 18-35 who buy shit to a) impress girls, b) differentiate themselves from their parents, or c) both.

Thus, we present: “Hip Young Guy Outsmarts Crumudgeonly Middle Aged White Guy Theater”

Oh Dear God. They also have all the ingredients necessary for really bad Youtube knockoffs, don’t they? They’re short, they don’t require much graphics, they don’t require any special acting ability… damn we bet these get knocked off a lot, don’t they? Speaking of which, here’s one that kind of pisses all over the wonderful humor of Mr. Bean

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Football (Soccer) Managers

Posted by americandust on January 26, 2010

Email1,237 views | Football (Soccer) Managers Football (Soccer) Managers have lots of time during the games when they’re not really doing anything. They seem to use this time to think of funny quotes.

Pastels Plus Soccer Equals Italian League?
Just The Facts
1.Football Managers are paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to tell people who make millions of dollars what to do.
2.Football Managers never score goals, never miss goals, never miss tackles, never let in a goal, and never get sent off resulting in the team to play a man down for the rest of the game. Yet if their team loses it is their fault.
3.Being a football manager requires a strict devotion of ignoring your family.
Cracked on Football Managers
Football managers probably have the sweetest of all coaching jobs. They don’t have to worry about when to call time-out, they don’t have to manage difficult substitutions patterns (they’re only allowed 3 subs a game), they usually just sit on the bench and watch the game, and they get cool tracksuits with their initials on them! Sure they get blamed anytime the team loses and crazy Russian oil billionaires who own the team will fire them if they don’t win every contest, but other then that it’s a sweet gig. Also, if they’re really really bad at it some despot in North Korea will offer thousands of dollars to coach their national team.

The “JG” just reeks of class, doesn’t it?

Words of Wisdom by Sir Bobby Robson
“We didn’t underestimate them but they were a lot better than we thought ”

“The first 90 minutes are the most important.”

“I’m not going to look beyond the semi-final – but I would love to lead Newcastle out at the final”.

“If we start counting our chickens before they hatch, they won’t lay any eggs in the basket.”

“I would have given my right arm to be a pianist.”

“I do want to play the short ball and I do want to play the long ball. I think long and short balls is what football is all about.”

“There will be a game where somebody scores more than Brazil and that might be the game they lose.”

“Look at those olive trees – they’re two hundred years old – from before the time of Christ! ”

“Steve Hodge has been unfit for two weeks, well, no, for 14 days.”

And the greatest interview ever given: Sir Bobby to Bryan Robson: “Good morning, Bobby”. Bryan: “You’re Bobby, I’m Bryan!”

“I Crown Myself, Sir Bobby Ronson. King of douchetards!”

Words of Wisdom by Brian Clough, The Greatest Smart-Ass Who Ever Lived
“I wouldn’t say I’m the best manager but I’m in the top one.”

“They say Rome wasn’t built in a day, but I wasn’t on that particular job.”

“If I had an argument with a player we would sit down for twenty minutes, talk about it and then decide I was right!”

“I’m not saying he’s pale and thin, but the maid in our hotel room pulled back the sheets and remade the bed without realising he was still in it.” (referring to former player Brian Rice).

“The river Trent is lovely, I know because I have walked on it for 18 years.”

“Walk on water? I know most people out there will be saying that instead of walking on it, I should have taken more of it with my drinks. They are absolutely right.”

“Football hooligans? – well, there are 92 club chairmen for a start”

“I can’t even spell spaghetti never mind talk Italian. How could I tell an Italian to get the ball? He might grab mine.”

“I’m sure the England selectors thought if they took me on and gave me the job, I’d want to run the show. They were shrewd, because that’s exactly what I would have done.” (On not getting the England Coaching Job)

More Fun Then Old People Should Be Allowed to Have

Other Great Football quotes
“I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God, that must have been one hell of a pass” – Jasper Carrott

“That’s great, tell him he’s Pele, and get him back on” – John Lambie, Partick Thistle Manager, when told his concussed striker did not know who he was.

“I never comment on referees and I’m not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat” – Ron Atkinson

“If we can play like that every week, we’ll get some level of consistency”– Sir Alex Ferguson

“I’ma gonna drink scotch outta this bitch tonight!”

Other People on Sidelines (a nice perk for the job)
If God has graced you with the most wonderful coaching job of all, that of Mexican Football team coach, you might get to “accidently” brush up against the hottest sideline reporter in the history of the world.

INES SAINZ– We hear she has a Master’s degree in law and works for some Mexican TV station. No wonder Sven Goran Erikkson left Manchester City to coach Mexico

This is an ACTUAL Mexican Soccer sideline reporter! MLS, are you taking notes? You’d better be.

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Football Chants

Posted by americandust on January 26, 2010

Email2,564 views | Football Chants The NFL has Cheerleaders and firechiefs who yell J.E.T.S…Jets Jets Jets. European Football has hilarious and vicious songs that offend visiting fans and degrade players to levels unthinkable in the US. Yep, Europe wins.

Just The Facts
1.Unlike in American Sports, European Football fans don’t need scantily clad women to lead them in chanting.
2.When it comes to European Football, even children are encouraged to sing filthy chants degrading others.
3.Some of these chants are so over the top hilarious that we’re pretty sure Eddie Izzard must have writen them.
Cracked on Football Chants

Americans proud themselves on doing sports right. Look at college football where basically even the uber rich get into the game of supporting their teams. Unfortunately that’s all at the pre-game tailgate. During the actual game fans basically come dressed in their team’s uniform and slap high-fives every time their team scores as if they had something to do with it. Worst yet, at NBA games they play Rap Music at extremely high levels DURING THE ACTUAL GAME ITSELF. We’re not talking about during timeouts and such, but when a team actually has the ball. What America really needs is fans that sing really offensive songs to try to get under the skin of the opposing players. Something better then a drunken fan in row one shouting “Yankees Suck.” As with our language and society in general, let’s just steal what the British do best… football chants. Oh, and yeah, other Europeans and South Americans sing chants just as well as the English fans, but to understand them would require us to be motivated to learn another language and we’re just too lazy.

English Fans Clap and Sing Offensive Chants at Games . NFL’s Oakland Raiders Fans Just Dress and Smell Offensive

Chants Against the Opponents Players/Fans
Vieira ooooh!
Vieira ooooh!
He comes from Senegal!
His dad’s a cannibal
Chelsea fan Chant against Arsenals’ Vieira.

‘Who let the frogs out, who? who? who? who?’ As Arsenal (An English team full of French players) come out at Leicester

“Your toe bone’s connected to your foot bone, your foot bone’s connected to your ankle bone, your ankle bone’s NOT connected to your leg bone.” — Aston Villa Fans to Arsenal Fans after their star player Eduardo suffered a horrible broken leg that threatened his career.

In the Liverpool slums,
They knock on the door when they want something to eat,
They find a dead rat and they think it’s a treat,
In the Liverpool slums.

In the Liverpool slums,
Your Mum’s on the beat and your Dad’s in the nick,
You can’t find a job ‘coz you’re too fuckin thick,
In the Liverpool slums– Manchester United Fans when they’re playing Liverpool FC
He’s half a boy and half a girl,
Torres! Torres!
He looks just like a transvestite,
Torres! Torres!
He wears a frock,
He loves the cock,
He sells his arse on Albert Dock
Fernando Torres, Carragher’s bit on the side –Manchester United Fans about Liverpool’s star player.

“Sol, Sol, wherever you may be
You’re on the verge of lunacy
And we don’t give a fuck if you’re hanging from a tree
You Judas cunt with HIV.” –Spurs fans about Former Player Sol Campbell who left to play for another team and then had a mental breakdown.

“Who’s that dying on the runway?
Who’s that dying in the snow?
It’s Matt Busby and his boys
making such a fucking noise
coz they can’t get their aeroplane to go!”–Manchester City fans after Manchester United’s Plane Crashed and killed several players in 1958.

“Always look on the runway for ice…” (to the tune of Monty Python’s “always look on the bright side of life”) by several other clubs also about the United plane crash.

“Two Andy Gorams, there’s only two Andy Gorams”

After he revealed he had a mild form of schizophrenia (it’s traditional to sing a song about a great player like Wayne Rooney and sing “There’s only one Wayne Rooney”)

Lee Hughes is a wanker,
He plays for Albion,
His girlfriend is a prostitute,
Who comes from Birmingham,

She dances on the tables,
Her tits and arse on show,
And if you wanna shag her,
It’s twenty pence a go.

“Two World Wars and One World Cup”– Chant by English fans when they play Germany.

Someone forgot to Tell the English That World Wars Weren’t Football Games and Vice Versa.

Chants About Your Own Players/Fans
Sometimes fans sing songs about their own players. Usually these are simply boasting about how great they are… but sometimes they go beyond simple praise.

Manchester United used to feature American Tim Howard as Goalkeeper. As you will see they were real sensitive about his struggles with Tourettes.

Tim Timminy Tim Timminy
Tim Tim Teroo
We’ve got Tim Howard and he says fuck you!

Timmy Howard
Fuck Off
He plays in our net
Fuck Off
Timmy Howard
Fuck Off
He’s got Tourette’s

All together now: T I M M Y! Fuck Off!!!

Chants Sung About Other People Who Aren’t Even Playing Your Team and/or Loved Ones
I Love Tottenham More Then You.

Tottenham Spurs fans sung this at an away UEFA Cup match on Valentines Day knowing their wives and girlfriends would be watching on TV.

We’ve all had you’re missus, We’ve all had you’re missus
Cambridge United Fans sung this while another Cambridge United Fan proposed to his girlfriend at on field at half time.

You don’t know what your doing
By Coventry fans when a bride and groom appeared on the pitch, away at Charlton. (Traditionally the chant “you don’t know what your doing” is sung by home fans to their own coach when they are really displeased with how the season is going).

Is that all she gets at home? Is that all she gets at home? –Chelsea Fans to a male streaker who had run on field.

“We’ve All Had Your Wife… She Was Terrible”

Chants That Make No Sense Whatsoever (but are sung because they’re funny)
Celery! Celery!
If she don’t come
I’ll tickle her bum
with a lump of celery– Chelsea fans sing this for no particular reason.

She Loves the Celery

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Global Warming

Posted by americandust on January 26, 2010

Email797 views | Global Warming Global Warming is the belief the Earth is getting warmer all the time and humans are to blame. It’s kind of like how old people believe everything getting shittier and young people are to blame.

This Many Snowmen Can’t Be Wrong.

And Nobody Bothered to Send Flowers? Ingrates.

This Guy Shound Be Suspect Number One, But He’s Totally Set Up Humans as the Fall Guy.
Just The Facts
1.Global Warming is the belief that the Earth is getting warmer and that humans are to blame.
2.We’re pretty sure that the Sun has a lot to do with the temperature on Earth, but some think it’s more our fault then the Sun.
3.Some claim there is a scientific consensus that the Earth is getting warmer and humans are to blame. Of course there was once a scientific census that masturbation made you go blind.
Cracked on Global Warming.
Asking us if the Earth is getting warmer is a bit like asking a dog if grass is getting greener. Sure, he might have some opinion based on his little insignificant lifetime, but beyond that it’s all just conjecture. However, we’re willing to listen to the loudest dog with the most teeth and take his word for it.

“Don’t Argue, I’m a Scientist!”

Many smart people have told us that the Earth is getting warmer. But we should remember many smart people also told us that “Slumdog Millionaire” was a good movie. Moreover, a hundred years ago scientists, politicians, and celebrities told us that we should kill the mentally retarded to save the gene pool and hid the whole thing under the name “Eugenics,” so forgive us if we’re a little distrusting of these groups nowadays (thank you very much President Teddy Roosevelt, Charles Lindberg, and Harvard University for ruining our belief in authorities sixty years before Watergate could).

And Like a Tree, Eugenics Can Kill You If It Falls On You.

The Hockey Stick Model
The public loves when complex things can be reduced to easy to understand metaphors, like when Jimmy Carter called the Middle East an “Orgy with Guns.” That’s why so many people love to think of Global Warming as a hockey stick. It is a perfect analogy because we’re all pretty sure hockey sticks exist although most of us will not come in contact with one ever in our lifetime. Here’s that famous graph made famous by Al Gore of the Hockey Stick Model. Just for fun we added the line showing what another scientist found when he didn’t just cheery pick the research.

See… Red equals hockey stick theory if you believe in Global Warming as evident by Michael Mann and Al Gore, Black line equals temperature if you believe in larger sampling sizes like this guy

Frankly, if it isn’t a pie chart showing us types of pie we can order, we here at cracked don’t care.

Hoax Exposed
In November 2009 the Hadley Centre’s email accounts were hacked and it was exposed that the top scientists that the United Nations depends upon for advice about Global Warming were manipulating data, suppressing skeptics, and railroading journals to exclude independent research into the topic. Oh, and they were busted for trying to hide the Midevil Warm Period and further promoting the incorrect Hockey Stick Model.

How were they able to get away with it for so long? Because they very carefully made sure nobody was allowed to argue with them. By locking out skeptics (or as we call them “non-blindfollowersofsupposedexperts”) from getting research grants, doing research, or printing their findings in the major scientific journals. Instead, the public was left to be force fed the manipulated data of crooked scientists who were creating the demand for more expensive, government funded “research” by scaring the hell out of idiotic politicians and the spineless media.

“It’s a Scientist with a chart, you can’t argue with that!”

Bernie Madoff was said to jump for joy in his jail cell when he learned that there was an even bigger fraud on Earth who was trying to destroy the economy for self gain. For his part, Al Gore was too busy photoshopping hurricaines into pictures for his new book.

“But it COULD happen!”

Conspiracy Admitted
In January 2010 the claim that one of the Earth’s largest glaciers was going to melt away by 2035 was exposed to be incorrect. This despite the IPCC’s stamp of approval on this claim which was said to have been peer-reviewed. At first the claim was said to have been a typo, that it was meant to be year 2350 that the glacier turned into an icecube. However, days later the hoax was exposed. It wasn’t based on science and worse yet, this esteemed scientist admitted he had lied to motivate political authorities into action. That’s right… exactly what skeptics had said all along: that some scientists would be motivated by politics to fake their data. Previously most skeptics had claimed that financial backing from governments afraid of what was to come was the great motivator for inaccurate science but here it turns out a political mission was to blame.

Dangerous Killer Made of Ice To Remain In Neighborhood.

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Posted by americandust on January 26, 2010

Email709 views | Witches A witch is someone who pretends they can impact the world through spells, symbolic magic, or potions. In reality they only impact their own social standing.

What Pop Culture Wants Us to Think Modern Witches Look Like

What Modern Witches Really Look Like
Just The Facts
1.Witches are people who try to change the world with magic or other made up mumbojumbo.
2.Some witches are labled good (white) or black (bad) witches. This is racist of course.
3.Modern witches have codified their practices into a religion called Wicca. It started in 1921 but claims to be ancient.
Cracked on Witches
In the Middle Ages loads of people were accused of being witches. The main reasons for the accusations were that the victim was 1) powerless 2) a burden on the community 3) prone to pissing off other people 4) ugly.

If you were accused of being a witch you were going to be tortured then either killed or force to leave your homeland. The whole thing kind of blown over when people were no longer retardedly interested in superstition. Most famously an English judge ruled in a case where a woman was accused of flying over the village. The judge (the first non-retarded judge in England, possibly the last) ruled she was innocent as there was no law banning flying in the village. Sometimes if people can’t be reasoned with you have to stoop to their level to get through to them. We call this the “internet arguement” principal.

Nowadays people pretend their witches in an attempt to make themselves seem interesting. Also if witchcraft was real we’re pretty sure there would be a LOT more hot witches out there. As is, it is only every now and then you will find that diamond in the rough that is actually a very, very hot witch (or goth or wicca or whatever they want to be called).

Only she could convert us to witchcraft.

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Saved by The Bell

Posted by americandust on January 26, 2010

If you happen to be between the ages 20 and 40 then you have seen every episode of Saved By The Bell… twice. It matters not that you didn’t like the show… there was nothing else on basic cable when you got home from school or back to your dorm.

If You Rotate The Image 90 Degrees You Get the Kapowski Curve Circa 1994.

The Guy That Played “Screech” Is the One Who Was Too Busy to be Bothered With This?

Eventually It Will Come To This
Just The Facts
1.No-one was ever actually saved by the bell in the series
2.Saved By The Bell taught a generation that even self-centered dicks have a heart of gold deep down that is exposed at the end of every thirty minute period.
3.It also taught us that a 15 year old in a fake moustache can trick people into thinking he’s an electrician, janitor, principal…
4…. this trick however doesn’t work in real life if you’re trying to buy booze
5.This show also totally set up Junior High school geeks into getting majorly disappointed when they discovered superpopular highschoolers don’t actually want a token geek friend.
6.The actor who played “Zack” was cloned to play the lead on Dawson’s Creek.
The Age-Demographic Lock That Was Saved By The Bell.
Every American between the ages of 20 and 40 have seen every episode of Saved by The Bell. This cultural phenomenon is not born out of popularity but rather by circumstance. See, in the distant past (the 1990’s) most Americans had to settle for either over-the-airwaves television (four to five channels with one of those being PBS for god’s sake) or basic cable (25 channels with one of those being dedicated to Country music for god’s sake). So when students returned home from school or college classes they really didn’t have a choice.

They either watched ‘Bell or nothing and they sure weren’t going to leave a television set off. After all, there were poor kids in Africa who didn’t have basic cable and it wouldn’t be right to let yours go to waste.

An African Village Gathers To Watch: Saved By The Bell: The College Years Which Is Easier to Watch When You Don’t Understand English.

Now that the average Saved By The Bell fan has grown up and moved on to more exciting shows (like the new, dirtier teen dramas) some have attempted to spice up the original. There’s a whole niche genre of Saved By The Bell edits on Youtube, most with the predictable disastrous resort. In fact, this is the only half-decent one and all they did was had some bleeps over key words that made it sound like everyone is blowing each other.

Almost As Meaningful As The Original

The History of Saved By The Bell
So in 1988 the Disney Channel ran a crappy school sit-com called “Good Morning Miss Bliss” starring Hayley Mills (who might have been the original child-slave of Disney as she starred in just about every live-action movie they made, including films as diverse as The Parent Trap and The Parent Trap II).

In short, the show blew. While dissecting the corpse of this piece of shit the producers noticed some things that should be changed.

1. It was set in Indiana. This should be obvious to everyone but Indiana sucks. Seriously, are we going to have guys talking about how awesome the Pacers are? If it isn’t a scrappy underdog movie about a small town high school basketball team, then get it the fuck out of Indiana.

2. People watching this kind of crap (i.e. kids) are going to latch onto the young characters and the daily life of teachers is not something anyone gives a crap about. Characters like Zack, Lisa, and even uber-nerd Screech were the only lasting value of the show while their teachers could be reduced to background noise ala “Peanuts” and nobody would give a toss.

Indiana: Not Ready For Prime Time But Finally Ready for Daylight’s Saving Time.

So in a rare example of a reboot being better than the original, Saved By The Bell jumped to NBC and soon burned itself into the mental data storage units of Americans. Critics absolutely slaughtered the show but the ratings were pure gold (when viewed in terms of Saturday Midday up against the stink-fest that is pre-Tiger Golf and Bowling).

Golf Circa 1995.

Not knowing what to do to cash in on a youth-orientated Saturday Morning Hit, NBC threw a bunch of random words into a hat and drew out a couple to see how they could best profit from this situation. The magic hat produced the phrase: “Mall Tour.” So the cast set off on a tour of mall events complete with screaming fans and deranged adults seeking the autograph of teens younger then their children (but of course if these adult fans had children they wouldn’t be needing the autograph of television children to complete their lives).

Nothing Gay Happening Here, Just Move Along Now.

Once the Mall Tour years were complete the show was given a bigger timeslot and more episodes ordered then ever. However, some of the actors apparently understood how contracts were and demanded raises for the additional episodes. Apparently they didn’t understand how Hollywood worked and the characters of Kelly and Jesse were replaced for half of the final season by Tori. The final episode aired in prime-time and had actually been filmed before Kelly and Jesse left the show so there’s no mention of Tori, who we like to think ran off to live in Vermont to write poetry and work on her motorcycle with her lover, Jo from Facts of Life.

Not feeling that they had squeezed every dime out of the property, NBC then spun the show into a new primetime series (Saved By the Bell The College Years) which failed, a mini-series (Saved by the Bell: The Wedding) which failed both commercially and in any attempt to satisfy long-term fans of the show), and a spin-off (Saved By The Bell: The New Class) which, wait for it….. failed.

Zack Morris: A Personification of All That Was Wrong With the 1990’s
Zack Morris was by far the breakout character of the show. He was the guy every girl wanted to date and the guy every guy wanted to punch in the damn face.

This bitch had it all:

“Trying Too Hard 90’s Style” trendy clothes, hot girls, an ability to break the fourth wall, and an oversized cell phone.

An Almost Complete Horrible 90’s Clothing Collection. Not Pictured: Hot Pink.

Great Now We Have To Add “Suspenders” To Our Fetish List.

If There Was No Cafe-Press Where Would We Get Crappily Made Thin Shirts That Legally Can Only Reference Pop Culture Without Infringing on Trademarks or Other Rights.

Why, Why, Why Did Technology Have To Ruin The Cellphone by Making It Fit In a Pocket?

Sweat The Small Stuff/Make a Big Crazy Plan Instead of Telling the Truth Or a Believable Lie
As is the case with most TV shows, the characters often deal with huge irrational events but get really, really bothered by the most trivial things. The fact that teachers come and go in the High School about as often as a roll of toilet paper in the men’s room never seemed to bothered the kids. But dear lord look out if a pimple showed up on a teenager’s face the day before prom.

Also, whenever a misunderstanding happens in real life people usually explain to the misinformed what happened and why it wasn’t meant the way it was taken. Either that or when faced with repercussions we just tell a simple lie. In Saved By The Bell rather then explain why some sort of accident happened to a parent’s car, or conversely just create a believable lie, the gang sets about to fix the problem and solve all lingering plot points by fixing the car themselves with a combination of school property and items purchased as part of a bigger scam. If these kids were really that smart they’d have invented a hydrogen car (but of course Zack would be holding out on society until he’d made the most money he possibly could from oil distribution before he wrecked that entire industry, EVERYONE on the internet knows you have to do that if you create a hydrogen car).

Top Secret Developmental Notes Smuggled Out of Zack Attack Industries By Disgruntled Employee Known Only As “Deepthroat” (We’re Guessing It’s Jesse).

Life Lessons Learned from Saved By the Bell

1. Drugs are bad… even very mild ones. Fore example, caffeine pills will screw you up and make you dance like a spaz…. especially if you’re about to get your one big chance at a lifelong dream.

2. If something goes wrong, just pretend you meant for it to happen. If part of your face accidentally gets painted red paint your whole face red and make it look like you wanted to look like a dork anyway. If your ankle sprains before the dance contest, just hop around on one leg and start a new trend. Bad things are just opportunities to start trends, just ask Ol’ one-nut Lance Armstrong about his bracelets that even President Obama used to wear.

3. Medical science is full of shit. Despite what you read in the books, child-birth is surprisingly not messy at all. In fact, it’s also very easy to do even if you, for example, were to get stuck in an elevator with a woman about to go into birth during an Earthquake. Also, a small bump into a door would totally put your leg into a cast.

4. Don’t judge a book by its cover… judge it by its social standing. Every hot chick is secretly a great singer. Every dork can play the keyboard. Only cool guys can be lead singers.

5. People love assholes (and we’re not just talking about the way girls love bad-boys). Principals secretly love problem students who complicate their lives with tons of paperwork, additional school funding, endanger their standing with the district’s superintendent, and even interfere with their personal lives in an effort to avoid a test.

6. Fear the Machine! Oil companies don’t give a crap about the following things: a) ducks, b) the appearance of your high school. Seriously, this episode pretty much encapsulated the anti-corporation mindset of young Americans who depend greatly on corporations to create the things that entertain them and provide their parents with income.

7. Space really is relative. You wouldn’t know it, but your high school has all kinds of unused spaces hidden in the weirdest places. Did you know there’s enough room behind your locker to hide a pirate radio station? There is… you should start chipping away at the blocks behind your locker as soon as possible kids. There’s even little used storage areas just a drill hole away from the girls lockerroom. You’ll just have to make sure the P.E. Teacher doesn’t beat you to the best viewing spot first.

8. It’s not about the game, it’s about the player. Want to make a school sport or activity popular, just bring in a popular kid. Put ZacK on the chess team and all of a sudden you’ll have 1,000 kids show up to cheer on the chess team. Track and Field can be just as popular as football if the right kid is doing the hurdles.

9. Nothing bad will happen to you if you tell the truth. It doesn’t matter how bad your crime was if you come clean you’ll probably just get grounded (which your parents will totally drop anyway if the big dance is this weekend).

Behind The Bell: Screech Tells All
In 2008 Dustin Daimond dished out the dirt on what was going on at the Bell set. He reminded everyone that Mario Lopez was accused of date rape and NBC paid the girl to go away/drop all charges/write for Friends (we’re pretty sure she did two of those three things, we’re just fuzzy on details). He also claims he got more fan mail then anyone else on the show which is the sort of thing really important people brag about, right?

As for the claims about all the sex and booze the cast experienced we here at Cracked refuse to believe that any teenager, much less very rich and famous ones, would turn to drugs and sex when they could be learning about science, math, and history.

The most outrageous claim: Diamond claims to have slept with 2,000 girls. Are there really 2,000 girls out there that would boink Screech for a shot at Zack… yep, probably. Oh, he also says Mark-Paul (Zack) was pretty open about using steroids to bulk up during the college years episodes which looks pretty obvious when you see how he went from “twink” to “muscle-daddy” in the “North American Gay Spotting Guide: A Guide For Who’s Gay and Who Should Be” (a book that used to set on the communial bookshelf at the offices of Cracked until it went missing some time ago).

And For My Next Magic Trick I Will Produce 2,000 in Royalties From Destroying How Everyone Thinks About the Only Accomplishment In My Life.

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