American Dust

A random blog that features things like soccer, politics, personal financial advise, and sometimes comics.

Westboro Baptist Church

Posted by americandust on January 26, 2010

You know those pictures of “Christians” who stand around holding signs that say shit like “God Hates Fags”? This is those guys. Yep, it’s just one parish. This should be like shooting fish in a barrel. Except not fish, but gangrenous cocks.

And You Hated It When Your Parents Made You DRESS UP for Church

The WBC “Bible”

Wait, How Did A Hot Chick Get In This Mess? Oh, She’s Probably Photoshopped.
Just The Facts
1.Shakespeare said “The Lady Doth Protest Too Much.” There’s no way someone makes such an ass out of trying to make a point unless they are trying to cover something up.
2.They get way more exposure than they deserve. Unless the whole thing is a joke cooked up by a still-alive Andy Kaufman. In that case, you’re going too far Andy, you’re going too far.
3.You know who makes homemade signs? Cheerleaders. These guys are like cheerleaders for stupidity.
4.When they die, they won’t go to heaven or hell – God will just ignore them. That is way funnier.
Who are These Wackos?
The Church was started in 1955 by Fred Phelps and was presumably as bat-shit crazy back then as it is now but nobody knew about it until they started protesting pretty much everything in 1991. The church started in Kansas, which is like Christianity’s Fallujah.

The Westboro Babtist Church is not recognized by any Baptist organizations. That’s right, even Southern Baptists who are protesting the immoral lifestyle of Mickey Mouse look at these guys and say “no way are we getting mixed up with that crazy shit.”

The WBC believes pretty much all other Christian churches are Satanic if they’re not as anti-gay as them. This includes, well, everyone else.

The protests/homemade sign orgy started with any gay-related event then branched into the funerals of gays… including those who had been murdered for being gay. Then they took their act on the road to protest pop music concerts and Kansas City Chiefs games. But not because those two things suck… nope, they just saw a large crowd and decided they needed all the fuckin’ attention they could get.

In 1998 CNN gave these freaks national exposure by covering their protesting of Matthew Shepard’s funeral. Shepard had been beaten to death for being gay and these media whores saw an opportunity to get some face time on CNN back when CNN mattered. Once a media whore gets a hit from being on national T.V. it consumes themselves to the point where nothing else in life matters. That first hit is free, you know, but soon there comes a price. By then you’re addicted (right Paris?) and soon it takes even bigger and bigger piles of attention to satisfy your need.

Apparently feeling that there were some Conservatives who didn’t hate them, the Church decided during the Iraq War to start protesting the funerals of veterans because they claimed God was punishing America for allowing homosexuality within its borders. At first many locals thought the deceased soldier had been a homosexual until everyone caught on that the protestors were retarded.

A Proven Technique for Making 3 Idiots Look Like a Crowd: Use Lots of Signs.

Most Baffling Protests
Trying to create a list of most-baffling actions by these guys is a bit like deciding which monkey at the zoo is acting the most monkey-like (answer: it’s the one throwing his shit at the other monkeys). But even these nutjobs sometimes cross the threshold from bat-shit-crazy into a whole new theoretical 5th dimension of crazy. Here’s our favorites:

Following Sweden’s arrest of an anti-gay Preacher, the Westboro Church Protested a local appliance store because they sold Swedish vacuum cleaners. Perhaps he caught a “edited for TV” version of Austin Powers and misunderstood the Swedish Penis Pump scene.

Protested the funeral of the leader of the LDS (Mormon) church on the basis that he wasn’t anti-gay enough.

In April 2008 the church protested the funerals of three college students who died in a house fire. Imagine that, these guys are anti-education too.

Protested the funeral of a victim of the Canadian Greyhound bus stabbing. That’s right… they protested a funeral where a guy was the victim of a psychopath. You’re either against the psychopaths or you’re with them, and guess which side the WBC is on.

Recorded a version of Michael Jackson’s “We Are The World” entitled “God Hate’s the World.” As if the original wasn’t bad enough.

What About The Vacuum-Enablers, Are They Going To Hell Too?

Even Hitler Liked Dogs
A running joke in history departments is that “Even Hitler Liked Dogs” which is a reference to the idea that every person has at least one good trait no matter how evil/crazy/douche he is.

In that spirit, we should note Fred Phelps was active in the Civil Rights Movement. However, in recent years the WBC has portrayed African-American Politicians as gorillas if they support homosexual rights. Then inexplicably, they included swastikas on the gorillas.

Oh, and the Church has taken aim at foreign nationalities like Italy for being “mobster-breeding perverts.” Isn’t stereotyping fun? Next week they’ll be calling Poland “full of stupid people who put screen doors on submarines.”

A good way to know you suck is when you’re existence serves to transform the image of everyone else. In other words, think of the worst people you know… okay… and now you have to admit they suck less then the WBC. Way less…

In that spirit some motorcycle riders sprang to national prominence when they decided to focus all the badassness they supposedly represent by being bikers into an actual act of badassidry. The Patriot Guard Riders (who admittedly are mostly badass veterans) started by attending funerals of vets where the WBC showed up and drowned out the idiocy of the WBC with their bikes. This is fighting douchery with less-offensive douchery. And you know what… it’s awesome. It really is awesome that they did this. But what is even more awesome is they later expanded their efforts to include WBC protests other then soldier funerals. That’s right… burly bikers standing up for gay rights activists. What a wonderful bit of world unity the WBC has brought about… a unity based on the knowledge that the WBC sucks major ass.

Not Pictured: Douchebags from the WBC Who Have Been Drowned Out By These Guys’ Awesomeness.

Getting Even
The worst part is that we can’t just outlaw these idiots because, well, that’d be letting the idiots win. This is America damnit, and the idiots are free too required to open their mouth and confirm that they are in fact, idiots.

This Guy’s Got The Right Idea, But There Has To Be SOMETHING Rational People Can Do, Right?

What about this: next Sunday show up outside their church with signs that read: “God Hates Nutjobs,” “Hardcore Gay Sex: Don’t Hate It Till You’ve Tried It,” and finally, “Even Scientologists Make More Sense Then You.”


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