American Dust

A random blog that features things like soccer, politics, personal financial advise, and sometimes comics.

Global Warming

Posted by americandust on January 26, 2010

Email797 views | Global Warming Global Warming is the belief the Earth is getting warmer all the time and humans are to blame. It’s kind of like how old people believe everything getting shittier and young people are to blame.

This Many Snowmen Can’t Be Wrong.

And Nobody Bothered to Send Flowers? Ingrates.

This Guy Shound Be Suspect Number One, But He’s Totally Set Up Humans as the Fall Guy.
Just The Facts
1.Global Warming is the belief that the Earth is getting warmer and that humans are to blame.
2.We’re pretty sure that the Sun has a lot to do with the temperature on Earth, but some think it’s more our fault then the Sun.
3.Some claim there is a scientific consensus that the Earth is getting warmer and humans are to blame. Of course there was once a scientific census that masturbation made you go blind.
Cracked on Global Warming.
Asking us if the Earth is getting warmer is a bit like asking a dog if grass is getting greener. Sure, he might have some opinion based on his little insignificant lifetime, but beyond that it’s all just conjecture. However, we’re willing to listen to the loudest dog with the most teeth and take his word for it.

“Don’t Argue, I’m a Scientist!”

Many smart people have told us that the Earth is getting warmer. But we should remember many smart people also told us that “Slumdog Millionaire” was a good movie. Moreover, a hundred years ago scientists, politicians, and celebrities told us that we should kill the mentally retarded to save the gene pool and hid the whole thing under the name “Eugenics,” so forgive us if we’re a little distrusting of these groups nowadays (thank you very much President Teddy Roosevelt, Charles Lindberg, and Harvard University for ruining our belief in authorities sixty years before Watergate could).

And Like a Tree, Eugenics Can Kill You If It Falls On You.

The Hockey Stick Model
The public loves when complex things can be reduced to easy to understand metaphors, like when Jimmy Carter called the Middle East an “Orgy with Guns.” That’s why so many people love to think of Global Warming as a hockey stick. It is a perfect analogy because we’re all pretty sure hockey sticks exist although most of us will not come in contact with one ever in our lifetime. Here’s that famous graph made famous by Al Gore of the Hockey Stick Model. Just for fun we added the line showing what another scientist found when he didn’t just cheery pick the research.

See… Red equals hockey stick theory if you believe in Global Warming as evident by Michael Mann and Al Gore, Black line equals temperature if you believe in larger sampling sizes like this guy

Frankly, if it isn’t a pie chart showing us types of pie we can order, we here at cracked don’t care.

Hoax Exposed
In November 2009 the Hadley Centre’s email accounts were hacked and it was exposed that the top scientists that the United Nations depends upon for advice about Global Warming were manipulating data, suppressing skeptics, and railroading journals to exclude independent research into the topic. Oh, and they were busted for trying to hide the Midevil Warm Period and further promoting the incorrect Hockey Stick Model.

How were they able to get away with it for so long? Because they very carefully made sure nobody was allowed to argue with them. By locking out skeptics (or as we call them “non-blindfollowersofsupposedexperts”) from getting research grants, doing research, or printing their findings in the major scientific journals. Instead, the public was left to be force fed the manipulated data of crooked scientists who were creating the demand for more expensive, government funded “research” by scaring the hell out of idiotic politicians and the spineless media.

“It’s a Scientist with a chart, you can’t argue with that!”

Bernie Madoff was said to jump for joy in his jail cell when he learned that there was an even bigger fraud on Earth who was trying to destroy the economy for self gain. For his part, Al Gore was too busy photoshopping hurricaines into pictures for his new book.

“But it COULD happen!”

Conspiracy Admitted
In January 2010 the claim that one of the Earth’s largest glaciers was going to melt away by 2035 was exposed to be incorrect. This despite the IPCC’s stamp of approval on this claim which was said to have been peer-reviewed. At first the claim was said to have been a typo, that it was meant to be year 2350 that the glacier turned into an icecube. However, days later the hoax was exposed. It wasn’t based on science and worse yet, this esteemed scientist admitted he had lied to motivate political authorities into action. That’s right… exactly what skeptics had said all along: that some scientists would be motivated by politics to fake their data. Previously most skeptics had claimed that financial backing from governments afraid of what was to come was the great motivator for inaccurate science but here it turns out a political mission was to blame.

Dangerous Killer Made of Ice To Remain In Neighborhood.


One Response to “Global Warming”

  1. MrXYZ said

    Glaciergate–A relatively tame Hitler parody video

    Glaciergate: Hitler’s Last Straw

    “As chief operating officer for the cabal of Billionaires who control the global warming scam, Hitler quickly realizes the long range implications of “Glaciergate”.”

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