American Dust

A random blog that features things like soccer, politics, personal financial advise, and sometimes comics.

WWI

Posted by americandust on January 26, 2010

Email1,186 views | World War One From 1914 to 1918 Europe celebrated the culmination of the most impressive societal advancements in the history of the world by trying to screw it all up meaninglessly.

Thanks Europe, But We Got It From Here On Out.

Memo from the Debriefing Session Afterwards.

Fun Time Had By All.
Just The Facts
1.World War One Killed 37 Million people. That is 18.5 Millions times deadlier then O.J. Simpson.
2.America didn’t do much in the war until the end, when we swoop in to win the war and get the glory (like how Santonio Holmes did very little for the Steelers until the Super Bowl in 2009).
3.There were no Nazis in WW1. Please get this straight even if you went to Community College there is no excuse for messing this up.
Cracked on World War One
World War One is the forgotten war. Mostly because those who lived through it are now so old they can’t remember anything about it. World War One is not as cool as World War Two because the villians in it weren’t particularily impressive, kind of like Star Trek Episodes featuring the Romulans as villians instead of the Klingons… we just can’t be bothered to care much.

“Just Not As Interesting as Klingons or Nazis”

Origins of the War.

Archduke Franz Ferdinand (not the band) was sent to Serbia to tell the Serbians to chill and become better members of the Austro-Hungarian Empire. Unfortunately he picked the Serbian equivalent of July 4th to do this and really pissed them off. After failing to blow him up with a bomb, Serbian nationalists/terrorists/below average assassins finally kill him later in the day when his carriage drove down the road that just happened to have an assassin sitting in an outside cafe getting drunk. Fate can be a mean bitch sometimes.
Austria wanted to put the smack down on Serbia for this, but feared Russia would help Serbia since they’re both Slavs, whatever that means (we think it’s something sexual and kinky). So Austria does what it always does and calls in big brother Germany to help bail its ass out. Problem is that Russia signed a treaty with France declaring they’d got each other’s back (yeah, as if nobody wanted to mess with France). England being all English had singed a secret treaty of the same nature with France. Apparently England didn’t understand if the whole “strength in numbers” thing was going to work it required EVERYONE TO KNOW WHICH SIDE YOU’RE ON! Neewbs.

Not the Archduke, But Still Should Be Shot.

Fighting Breaks Out (and France loses)

So Germany decides to march through Belgium to avoid France’s defenses and presumably to pick up some awesome waffles to entice easy French women (yes, that’s redundant). England gets pissed that Germany would violate neutral Belgium and comes into the war publicly. This would have worked out better if England had an actual army. Instead a rag-tag group of volunteers decide to sign up and go off to die horribly after being mismatched against Germany’s professional killing machine. Everyone dug trenches because they weren’t allowed to run backwards and they couldn’t overrun the enemy so they just dug down. Then they tried to use machine guns to kill anyone who poked their head out of the trenches like they were playing a big ass game of whack-a-mole.

Fortunately, the trenches convert to graves rather easily.

After some time Germany gets the Ottoman Empire (Turkey with a cooler name) to go bother Russia. Meanwhile it took years before America finally got into the war when President Wilson would no longer have to worry about elections and when he realizes America’s entire economy was greatly linked to England’s. Wilson had to ask banker J.P. Morgan to finance the war proving that Banks do in fact run everything in America. They can also ruin everything in America as we have recently seen.

A lot of fighting goes down (most of it before America gets in the war) and the Allies (which we Americans remember as the USA, England, USA, France, USA, Italy, USA, and briefly Russia) win the war.

You’re Welcome, Earth.

Famous People Who Died In The War
All of J.R.R. Tolkien’s writing buddies bite the bullet. He gets hurt, goes home and steals all he can remember from his dead pals and becomes a literary giant. Somehow Tolkien goes on to become the only WWI vet writer who has good triumph evil in his books, which tells us how little he liked his friends.

The most brillian young chemist in the world was an English chap who signed up to go to war. The English had no way of determining who would be more usuful in science labs then the trenches so he dies. No, we don’t know his name either because he was killed before he became the Einstein of Chemistry.

Hitler’s left nut supposedly bought the big one in the war too. This is probably made up, but it’s not like anyone’s going to sue us to defend his good honor.

“Way to Drop The Ball, Adolf!”

End of The War
Thanks to America’s big Calvary act the Allies win the war. At the post-war huddle the Central Powers are forced to take all the blame and pay back a mountain of gold deblumes. Even President Wilson thought the British and French were being greedy bastards about this, but they told him to go to hell. Now that the war was over the French and British thought they’d never need America’s help again.

Unfortunately the producers of World War One totally left the storyline open for a sequel.

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Landon Donovan

Posted by americandust on January 26, 2010

As close to a real football player as the US has ever produced. Good enough to captain the Los Angeles Galaxy, to be the US national team’s all-time leading scorer, and even worthy of being an occasional mode of transportation for David Beckham.

The best way to get past your marker is often to simply get lost in your own awesome.

“Get off my back and quit calling me a colonist!”

In what at first glance looks like a header, the ball is actually fleeing goalwards to escape Donovan’s frankly unnatural hairstyle. Note the keeper’s look of uncontrollable fear
Just The Facts
1.Landon Donovan has won the Honda Award for best US Soccer Player more times then anyone.
2.He has been key in the recent success and growth of the US men’s national team, consistently creating offense and providing leadership.
3.Donovan is considered by many to be the face of the promising future of soccer in the United States, despite his lack of success at the highest levels of European club soccer and his frightening hair.
4.He is currently seperated from his super-hot soon to be ex-wife Bianca. Nice move, Landy.
Exodus
Hailing from Redlands, California originally, Donovan’s career has brought him literally dozens of miles from home.

In an attempt to end decades of futility, US Soccer formed a youth soccer residency school/program in Bradenton Florida as part of the 2010 Campaign. That Campaign promised to win the World Cup in 2010, a promise that hasn’t been repeated since about 2006 when it was obvious it would never happen. Landy joined a group of his contemporaries for a youth soccer residency program to manufacture the stars of the future.

Residency. Featuring DeMarcus Beasley, Donovan, Mia Hamm, and Hope Solo.

In true typical US Soccer fassion, the US lost the tourney but played well enough to suprise the hell out of everyone, finishing fourth. Donovan, however, was awarded the Golden Ball as the tournament’s best player. Expectations was raised prematurely for his future.

Do you know the way to San Jose?
Landy was a hot prospect following his performance at the Loli World Cup and he was promptly picked up by Bayer Leverkusen, one of Germany’s biggest clubs. While literally anyone else would have grasped the opportunity to make a splash in one of the world’s biggest leagues, Primadonovan evidently used his two years in the Leverkusen academy system to eat fucking schnitzel. This is the only logical conclusion, as he shunned the potential experience of playing in the Bundesliga to return stateside to play on a four-year loan for the extremely tastelessly–named San Jose Earthquakes of MLS.

The jubilant mascot of the also poorly-named Colombo Tsunami.

Donovan was a Sunshine Superman for the struggling Earthquakes, leading them to two MLS Cups, winning U.S. Soccer Athlete of the year in 2003, and earning Honda Player of the Year honors three years in a row (2002-04). “How quaint,” sneered the Germanic owners of Bayer Leverkusen, probably. Regardless of how cute the Germans must have felt the MLS to be, they were probably swayed by the fact that “Donovan” is German for “forcefull sex.” The transition to German football (and food) was incredibly difficulted. But displaying that young American bravado we’re quite used to, he stayed for all of seven unsuccessful appearances. Tail between his legs and all, Donovan came back home to his big paycheck, superhot wife-to-be, awesome pet dogs and sunny weather of Southern California… loser! Who would look forward to all that?

Two EXCELLENT Reasons for Landy to Stay In America.

The Returning Zero
So now Landy Cakes had pulled a McQueen for a second time and had gotten out of Germany, this time on a transfer to the Los Angeles Galaxy. See, in his absense the Earthquakes had fallen so low that the whole damn team was going to be moved to Houstan, then restarted kind of like what Microsoft does with Windows every couple of years… fail hard. Joining the already stacked Galaxy, Donovan was easily able to claim another MLS Cup victory and bolster his domestic reputation still further. Donovan’s success at home and failure at higher levels in Europe had made him into the professional sporting equivalent of the video store employee who’s the hot shot of his D&D group yet can’t socialize with normal people without failing and probably ejecting one or more bodily fluids.

Donovan’s aging father takes questions from the press.

The funny thing is, even though Landy was playing just as Dandy as ever in 2006, the Galaxy started to go downhill. For the first time in the 10 sensational years of Galaxy soccer, the few white soccer fans in LA were disappointed with a 5th-place finish in the Conference and no hot playoff action. It took most of the season for the fans in the crowd to put down their Blackberry and notice that their beloved team was losing. Several were even shocked to discover they had inadvertingly went to a Chivas USA game instead of a Galaxy Game. This could not stand. Only one man divine metrosexual could help them now…

Primadonovan and Goldenballs: A New Era?
One season and a quarter of a billion dollars later, everything was different. Once the MLS were able to finalize a mortgage on themselves to fund the transfer, David Beckham left Spanish juggernauts Real Madrid and decided to join the Los Angeles Galaxy so he could a) rake in the buku bucks and b) allow his wife to pursue a career in being a skinny bitch. This was quite a departure from the couple doing exactly this in Europe because, you know, they’re doing it in America.

Now that’s some pretty hair.

And how! Just look at that face. Really, just look at anything but his knee. The hype surrounding the arrival of Beckham and the revival of the Galaxy was made of fail and SARS (big in ’07?) due to injury and still more pressure was put on our man Landon Donovan to pick up the pieces. Given that the Beckham thing was a bust and everyone now knew it, Donovan was among the MLS players attempting to restore the little credibility soccer had in the US before. That credibility took an even bigger hit when David Beckham brought Kobe Bryant to watch a game and the T.V. cameras constantly showed Kobe instead of the game. The only upside is that we did get lots of closeups of that huge fuckin’ ring Mrs. Byrant was wearing. Wonder what had to happen for Kobe to spill out for that thing?

We wish we could say this was for a magazine. It wasn’t.

Thus, 2007 continued sans the savior of soccer. But for Donovan, it was another year, another Player of the Year win. Now Captain of the Galaxy–that’s right, Captain of the Galaxy–Donovan was once again among the best in the MLS, but his team failed to make the playoffs for a second year in a row. It really, really seemed the team needed a coach who wasn’t just a European playboy so Head Coach Ruud Gullit was fired and hardass American Bruce Arena was brought in to whip the team into shape.

The Pinaccle and the Third Reich Revisited
2008 was truly Landon Donovan’s year. Twenty goals in 25 games? Easy. Dandy Landy had officially entered his prime. 2009 looked primed to be a great year for the Galaxy, especially when news broke that David Beckham was going to sell out his soul and play for AC MIlan for half of the season as part of a foreign exchange program to pay back Europe for all those times a European high schooler came to American and instantly became the best player on our high school teams. Not to be outdone, Donovan decided to make to a loan move to Germany’s best team, Bayern Munich. There he set on the bench for nearly a dozen games before moving back home again.

In yet another example of how MLS favors Donovan, he’s the only player allowed to play in color, all others must play in Black and White.

But 2009 was a good year for Donovan. It seems this time some of that German drive rubbed off on Landy as he blitzkrieged his way across the MLS. The key to his success was a symbiotic offfensive relationship with the then-healthy David Beckham. But Donovan succeeded beyond the small pond of the MLS, in 2009 Donovan carried the National team to the finals of the Confederation Cup while David Beckham’s England sit at home and watched the game on T.V. as they hadn’t even qualified for the tournament that decided who qualified for the Confed tournament. The Galaxy made the playoffs and everything was happy LA LA land as they beat their across-stadium rivals Chivas USA in the first round despite David Beckham doing nothing of value and Landon Donovan only hitting one stinking penalty kick. A win in the second round led the Galaxy back to the Championship game.

Where Landon missed his Penatly Kick that would have won the Galaxy the Championship, instead Real Salt Lake won the title. David Beckham was heard to mumble “fucking wanker.”

Insulting Mexicans.
Landon Donovan is virtually unknown in America to the non-soccer crowd. However, he is a household name in Mexico because he once pissed on the hollowed ground of one of their oldest soccer fields (to be fair, he claims the bathrooms were either really far away or blocked or full of gloryholes or something). This incident led to him being one of the most hated sports figures in Mexico.

In 2010 Donovan adorned a pancho, a sumbrero and a big fake Mexican looking mustache to mock Mexico anew. However, this time it was in a commercial for the Mexican lottery, It featured the disguised Donovan sneaking across the border into Mexico to play the lottery because (as the commercial says in Spanish)

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The Guardian

Posted by americandust on January 26, 2010

Email2,479 views | The Guardian The Guardian is a British newspaper/Internet Newspage that plays it fast and loose with facts and spellings. American Liberals find it a good alternative to American newspapers for purposes of gaining variety in their daily left-leaning news.

Funny thing is we didn’t photoshop the “Terror Snatches” article, that’s real.
Just The Facts
1.The Guardian boosts one of the largest American audiences for a foriegn non-pornographic publication.
2.The terms “Guardian Reader” and “Guardinista” have come to mean a person of leftist views in England, used primarily as a slur.
3.American elitists read The Guardian so they can brag about being worldly and/or to catch up on English Soccer news.
4.Has earned the nickname “the Grauniad” for a history of amusing typo errors. Lately they’ve struggled with facts about other countries as well.
Cracked on The Guardian
In addition to having a sizeable American readership, The Guardian is one of the most quoted foreign newspapers by American media. The Guardian has returned the favor by trying to directly intervene in American elections. However, most American males are disappointed to learn that The Guardian does not feature a naked woman every issue like British tabloids.

Regardless of any disappointment you might have about at the lack of nudity, you have to marvel at The Guardian’s ever evolving business model that manages to keep it alive while many other papers have bit the dust. The Guardian started out in physical printed form and morphed throughout the years to wind up predominantly an on-line entity. We here at Cracked think that’s brilliant for obvious reasons. We also admire the way The Guardian manages to piss off important people, like how in October 2009, The Guardian was gagged from reporting about the actions of Parliament. You also might be wondering what in the world is happening in England when newspapers are banned from covering certain things.

We’re also big fans of amusing typos and factual errors so The Guardian is pretty much the greatest publication ever.

The Birthplace of The Guardian (Manchester, England).
The Guardian was originally formed in the working-class city of Manchester, England. Manchester has the distinction of being the world’s first Industrialized City. This means of course, that it was the world’s first dirty, stinking, smoky cesspit. Manchester’s fortunes have recovered somewhat as they have given the world two of the biggest forces of Popular Culture: Manchester United Football Club and the band Oasis. The city itself remains a cesspit of theft and sexually transmitted diseases rivaled only by nearby Liverpool. The only upside is that The Guardian finally abandoned the pretense of being true to their roots and moved to London in 1964. Almost 35 years later to the day the Band Oasis quit pretending they cared about anything other than their own wallet and released “Be Here Now.” 40 years to the day Manchester United sold out to Americans who quaintly refer to the club as “our fuckin’ cash cow.”

Couldn’t be bothered to write good songs anymore.

.

Political Views of The Guardian
In 2004 the Guardian’s editor Ian Katz replied, “It is no secret we are a centre-left newspaper”. Of course this seems harmless until you check the “Translating Political Talk to Real World Talk” and find….
“Center-Left: A term used by the left to pretend they’re not that left at all.”

Center-Leftists at Woodstock

But perhaps we’re just misunderstanding the subtleties of British political thought by applying our experience with people who call themselves center-anything (like how Fox News calls itself “Center-right”). So lets just look at some of the many times The Guardian has stepped into American politics to get a better view of their political beliefs.

2008 Endorsed Democrat Barack Obama for US President and criticized John McCain for making too many “compromises with the social conservative wing” of his party. Oh okay, well, you know a lot of foreigners championed the Obama cause (and after all a majority of Americans did also) and the complaint about McCain compromising could have been lifted directly from any liberal American newspaper….

2004 Endorsed Democrat John Kerry for US President and actually actively campaigned for him through a letter writing campaign in Ohio. Oh… well… uhm…. you know the Iraq war really pissed off a lot of people around the world and we’re sure that The Guardian had really good reasons for trying to affect the outcome of the American elections. I mean, they wouldn’t mind if Americans tried to tell the British who to vote for, right?

2000 Endorsed Democrat Al Gore for US President. Yeah… hmph… sort of a trend here after all. But we have no proof that The Guardian is actively trying to promote a certain political philosophy, right?

Oh wait, here it is right here…

In 2005 The Guardian reminded readers of their partisan beliefs by claiming that it would be foolish to try to endorse an more leftist/liberal camp then the Labour Party out of fear that the Tories/Conservatives/Right might gain from the in-fighting and sneak to an election victory. Yeah, okay, that pretty much tells us their bias.

True to their word, the Guardian has remained a paper of the Upper-Middle class, As Ted Scott (son of the its most famous editor, C.P.Scott) boasted it is “a paper that will remain bourgeois to the last”. (Ayerst, The Guardian, 1971, p.471.) Unfortunately “bourgeois” has come to mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people and few even understand what this was supposed to mean anymore.

The Guardian has remained popular with Labour party members as a MORI poll taken between April and June 2000 showed that 80% of Guardian readers were Labour Party voters; as such The Guardian is smart to play up similar beliefs to those of their readers While The Guardian brings in guest writers from virtually all political walks of life in Britain, their editorial bias has remained true to their readers. After all, It would be incredibly foolish not to stay in alignment with the political beliefs of this base… that would be like biting the hand that feeds you, which now brings us to a section we call:

BITING THE HAND THAT FEEDS YOU (Distinctly Un-leftist Views/Actions of The Guardian)

Although The Guardian is overwhelming read by leftists, it does manage to piss off its base from time to time. Consider the following liberal causes and The Guardian’s half-assed responses…
Women’s Suffrage: The Guardian claimed to support Women’s Suffrage back in the day, but heavily criticized any actual efforts the women took themselves to get those rights. The Guardian preferred instead that the women wait until the men who ran the government (i.e. their friends) gave them voting rights.
Internment without trial: “Internment without trial is hateful, repressive and undemocratic. In the existing Irish situation, most regrettably, it is also inevitable. … To remove the ringleaders, in the hope that the atmosphere might calm down, is a step to which there is no obvious alternative.” (Guardian leader, 10 August 1971). But don’t worry, this is not applied to Guantanamo Bay.

Whistleblowers/Journalistic Integrity: Sarah Tisdall had attempted to help prevent possible wars by leaking papers related to the stationing of cruise missiles in Britain. When ordered to turn over the name of the whistle-blower, The Guardian rolled over like a dog and Sarah Tisdall went to jail. But you know, they felt really, really bad for her.
Israel: Despite being a supporter of the Zionist movement originally, in 2003 columnist Julie Birchill left citing “striking bias against the state of Israel” as one of her motives for quitting. Because, you know, while Jews are technically a minority according to popular stereotypes they are so rich and powerful it’s okay to discriminate against them (psst… did you hear the Jews are also keeping the Black Man down?).
US Elections: In 2004 the Guardian bought a voter list from Clark County, Ohio (in the USA) and encouraged readers to write to undecided voters to enlighten them to the fact the British hate George W. Bush and to encourage them to vote for the more acceptable, more British-like John Kerry. At first this seems to be in line with their reader’s views. However, the Guardian’s efforts is cited as one of the reasons G.W. Bush won Clark County as apparently Americans tend to think they should be allowed to decide which douchebag to vote for without some limey bastard telling them who to vote for.

On assassinating US Presidents: In October 2004, The Guardian published a humor column by Charlie Brooker in its entertainment guide, which called for the assassination of President Bush. This was actually a big hit with American liberals. The page was taken down after Brooker claimed he recieved death threats in response to what he called an attempt at an “ironic” joke. The last line from the piece had said: “John Wilkes Booth, Lee Harvey Oswald, John Hinckley, Jr-Where are you now that we need you?” Oh he’s so ironic. If you read this and say “Oh, it’s just a joke people” then simply reverse the situation and ask yourself, how would it go over if a right-wing humorist columnist (even one known for ironic jokes and a sharp wit, like say Dennis Miller) wrote: “Where’s James Earl Ray when you need him?” in a article about President Obama. Or if an American looked at the antics of Prince Harry and said “Where’s the car-chasing paparazzi when you REALLY need them?”

Religious Discrimination: Following the 2005 London Bombings by Islamic terrorists, The Guardian discovered one of their writers, Dilpazier Aslam belonged to an Islamic group whose goal was the creation of an Islamic government in Britain through NON-VIOLENT means, so they fired him… because he was Islamic? Yeah, basically.
On Multi-Culturalism: The Guardian once wrote an editorial praising the Vikings as an example of co-existing with different peoples. Yes, the peaceful fun-loving Vikings.

Sites of Viking Attacks Peaceful Co-Existing

“The Grauniad” (musspelled werds ar funn).
The amusing Typo and spelling errors in the Guardian have led it to earn the nickname “The Grauniad.” Most of the errors in the early days can be traced to a rushed timetable as the paper had to be printed before the last train from Manchester to London left the station.

However there have been some interesting errors of late also…

Perhaps most amusingly they tend to misspell their own name in articles, see the third paragraph of their announcement of their campaign to sway the election in Clark County, Ohio, where they proudly write: “While there’s no point being coy about Britain’s preferences in this election (never mind those of Guardain readers).”

The same misspelling occurs here and here, and it pops up often from whoever ads the hyper links to the email addresses of the writers listed in the article as you will see here and here. To be fair, “Guardian” is kind of hard to spell and they seem to take it all in stride rather well.

Unfortunately the errors also happen to occur in the facts…

Fact Errors from 2009
For a week in April The Guardian included a set of “World Factfile booklets” with their papers. These included some of the following errors:

A list of Jamaica’s “living national icons” included the late Bob Marley (21 April, page 31).

Listed New Zealand’s pervious prime minister (Helen Clark) instead of current P.M. John Key. (23 April, page 15).

Listed Bulgaria’s highest point under the Cold-War era name “Stalin peak” instead of correct name of “Musala peak.” (18 April, page 29).

Included Cyprus (Which Turkey occupies but does not claim) on the Map of Turkey (25 April page 14). The Map of the United States would have to be rather large to include Iraq and Afghanistan by this logic.

British explorers on Barbados in 1627, “found the island uninhibited” (18 April, page 18). Perhaps in another age this could have led to a successful soft porn franchise called “native girls gone wild.”

Bizarrely, the national anthem of Brunei including a verse about their willingness to fight for Albania (18 April, guardian.co.uk).

For a newspaper willing to cover events around the world, The Guardian also manages to mess up world leaders’ names and/or titles… sometimes three in one day. They do tend to eventually spot the errors though.

Still Alive, According to The Guardian

Sport Section
The Guardian does more then just serve the Labour Party and create an ever growing demand for spellchecking editors, it also provides excellent coverage of Sport (yes dear American reader, In England they drop the “S” from Sports).

The notable writers for The Guardian Sport Page include Paul Hayward and David Conn. This is balanced by the shitty writing of Barney Ronay who seems to only be allowed to write about transfer rumors. That’s right, they only let him write about things that other people have said MIGHT happen.

Probably won a contest to write for The Guardian.

With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility, Or Just Fuck It, Let’s Make Up a Right-Wing American Lego Conspiracy
The Guardian has gained notice throughout the world.

San Francisco’s alternative Newspaper, The Bay Guardian, is named in honor of The Guardian. The Bay Guardian’s views make The Guardian look center-leftist by comparison.

In 2006 The Guardian was called to task for collaborating with opponents of an Indian Guru to label him a pedophile. The time honored journalistic tradition of asking your subjects’ enemies for background information might be in danger nowadays.

In 2006 The Guardian claimed “fervent rightwing Americans started buying Bang & Olufsen stereos and Lego” to show support for the Danish who had offended Muslims with an offensive anti-Islamic cartoon. The only source for this is quoting the fact that Danish imports to America were up 17% with no link made between the right-wing and the Danish anti-Islamic cuase. In fact, it is supported only by the fact a British guy called for increased purchase of Danish goods in Britain and an American soldier wrote him a nice letter.

Right Wingers Now Stocking up on Guns, Tobacco, and Legos according to The Guardian. Take that Islam!

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The Game

Posted by americandust on January 26, 2010

Email3,518 views | The Game The Game is an innocent little real-life social meme… well, it WAS until it enveloped the Earth in its dark grasp of doom. Nowadays, The Game is an evil tyrant, constantly peering over the shoulders of the working class using its ever-watchful eyes

Yeah, But It’s Not Really a Recipe If You Don’t List Quantites

Pointless, Redundent, Only Something Real Geeks Would Care About (We’re Talking About Lost Trivia, Not “The Game”)

She Lost The Game, But She Won Our Hearts
Just The Facts
1.You are always playing The Game.
2.When you think about The Game, you lose The Game.
3.If you lose The Game, you must announce that you have lost the game.
4.Once you have forgotten about The Game again, you are prone to losing it again.
5.Once you have started playing The Game, THERE IS NO ESCAPE.
Origins– It Evolved From Polar Bears. No, Seriously.
In 1863 Russian writer Fyodor Dostoevsky wrote “Winter Notes on Summer Impressions” which contained the line: “Try to pose for yourself this task: not to think of a polar bear, and you will. see that the cursed thing will come to mind every minute.” This is believed to be the first Russian plot against America. We here at Cracked are pretty sure that had they thought this out better, the Soviets could have used this old Russian trick to win the Cold War. Thankfully the Soviets were too busy trying to repress their own sexual urges to capitalize on it.

So after eleven decades of thinking about fuckin’ polar bears, someone finally decided to put this little thought through scientific study in a lab. That’s right, in 1987 Daniel Wegner tried to study the ability of people to not think about Polar Bears. Guess what? They fuckin’ thought about Polar Bears.

“I’m Cute… and You Just Lost The Polar Bear Game, Bitch!”

Here’s where we get lost… it seems psychologists call this hyperaccessibility. And we here at Cracked aren’t smart enough to follow along from there. Plus, recently we learned Six Bullshit Facts About Psychology That Eveyone Believes and ever since we’ve been leary of psychology for letting us believe incorrect things about it. But we did come up with one point that brainy scientists would never think of: if people are taking medicine to no longer be depressed, wouldn’t taking a pill for depression remind you that you are depressed and get you thinking about its causes again?

We thought so, so we threw out all our pills and we’ve been fine ever since (this happened fourteen minutes ago).

Meanwhile, the British were devising a separate initiative in pointless gaming that would tie into this concept rather nicely.

In the late 1960’s, a game theorist by the name of John Conway created a game called Finchley Central. Players took turns naming underground (Tube) stations in London. The first person to say “Finchey Central” wins. However, if one named “Finchey Central” particularly early in the game then it was considered a hollow victory. So in principle, one had to find a willing partner with a large memory of tube stations and a willingness to let the game go on quite awhile in the hope that they would be the one to win. This sounds an awful lot like “friends with benefits” to us. You know you want it to continue for a long time, but when one person in the FWB situation says “where is this going” you have both lost the FWB game.

In 1977, members of the Cambridge University Science Fiction Society (AKA The Cambridge Nerd Squad) regularly met at the Horse at a pub to discuss game theory. One member, Richard Pinch, was a disciple of Conway and he introduced it to his geeky friends so they could play it in between games of Dungeons And Dragons. Eventually, the group created a NEW parody by reducing its singular rule to something ridiculously simple, and ridiculously annoying: The first person to think of the game itself would lose.

Little did the Cambridge Nerd Squad realize they were falling for a Russian Trap laid first in 1863. Even littler (yeah, we just dropped “littler” on you) did they realize there would eventually be scientific study to back up the premise behind their game.

These people were put on trial recently for crimes against humanity.

Strategies for Not Losing The Game, Part One
As mentioned earlier, there is no way to “win” the game. However, you can be in an extended state of “not losing” the game for quite a long time. The problem is that you can only realize how well you performed AFTER you have lost the game. Which is a bit like a moral victory, but of course “moral victories” is what losers say to make themselves feel better about being a loser.

Yeah Guys! We Finished Just One Yard Short of A Super Bowl Title!

Strategies for Winning The Game, Part Two
In a constant quest to figure out how to “win” The Game, Games-Theory Sociologists at Kentucky Wesleyan College have theorized one possible way to “win” The Game.

This is called “The Coma Maneuver”

A DEDICATED Player Kicking Ass at “The Game”

The Circle-Hand Game
The Game should not be confused with “The Circle-Hand Game.” The Circle Hand Game outdates “The Game” and can trace its history back to 1929 when the brothers of the City College of New York’s Sigma Alpha Mu Fraternity were searching for a new way to torture pledges without technically breaking CCNY’s anti-hazing rules. The Circle Hand Game is superior to “The Game” in one basic way: if you lose it, you get hit. We here at Cracked only support playing “The Circle Hand Game” if our opponent is ridiculously poor at that game. Otherwise we’re too intellectual to play such a foolish game.

Great! Now You’ve Lost “The Game” and “The CIrcle-Hand Game” Both in The Last Two Minutes.

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Wicca

Posted by americandust on January 26, 2010

There’s a hundred books out there on Wicca, most of which are written by people with names like “Silver Darkside” and “Raven Gloomygirl.” But basically Wicca is the codified beliefs of modern practitioners of witchcraft as a religion.

Everyone Likes Pie (except witches)

Stevie Nicks

Ancient Scroll of Wiccan Wisdom, circa 1998
Just The Facts
1.Wicca was started by a wannabee historian who made crap up.
2.Wicca was then taken and developed by a wannabee author who made crap up.
3.Wicca was girlified by a wannabee feminist who made stuff up, and changed the stuff other people made up.
4.Wicca is a legitimate religion (according to the internet).
Origin of Wicca Part 1 (the “ancient” roots laid in 1921)
In 1921 Margaret Murray was a famous anthropologist. Was her expertise in ancient Religions? Nope. Cults? Nope. Well what was she an expert in? Egypt. What does Egypt have to do with Wicca? Nothing at all. Absolutely nothing. See, Ms. Murray was an Egyptologist who decided she’d take a look into the European witch trials. However, instead of looking at the whole thing objectively, she decided she’d make excuses as to how the people being accused of witchcraft were actual witches. In order to do this she had to suspend disbelief (and logic) and forget the fact that the transcripts she was reading were taken during torture sessions in which the tortured would say whatever the torturer would tell them to say. So when the tortured would say “I flew around and had sex with the devil” Ms. Murray took that to mean “we danced all night and then I had sex with a man wearing a mask of a horned god.” She wrote the whole thing up in a book called “The Witch Cult in Western Europe” Luckily nobody would be smart enough to buy this, right?

Even Scientologists Laugh at this Basis for a Religion

Origin of Wicca Part 2 (The first attempt to make money off it).
In 1954 Gerald Gardner writes “Witchcraft Today” in which he claims that the famous Cult of Margaret Murray’s work not only was real as she claimed, but that it still existed in his times. And guess what? Gardner just happened to be a crucial figure in that new cult. He uses most of his book to spin together fragments from other peoples writing into what he claimed was the official religion. He also drew heavily upon his own 1949 novel “High Magic’s Aid.” See, so Scientology isn’t the only religion based on a guy wanting his novel to become real.

I’d Trust Him to Make My Religion.

Origins of Wicca Part 3 (how it becomes all girly)
In the late 50’s a Feminist named Doreen Valiente joined Gardner’s cult. When we say “Feminist” what we mean is that she didn’t like that women’s roles in the cult were to basically stand there naked while men performed rituals around (and we bet sometimes on) them. When she discovered that Gardner had plagiarized the Satanist Aliester Crowley in many of his official Wicca beliefs,” she blackmailed him into making the religion more women-friendly and to change the god they worshipped into a goddess.

This Offends Cracked Also.

Origins of Wicca part 4 (the religion loses the one source they could publicly cite).
In 1969 the Encyclopedia Brittanica finally gets around to changing the entry about witchcraft to no longer reflect the Murray-Gardner premise. It seems for forty years the entry repeated the Murray thesis in each edition. Oh, by the way, the author of that entry from 1929 was, well, Margaret Murray.

The Internet, in paper form.

Origins of Wicca part 5 (the friendly pop culture stuff).
In November of 1963 the T.V. Show “Bewitched” started production. In fact, the filming began the day President Kennedy was shot. “Bewitched” producer and director William Asher was the guy who produced President Kennedy’s famous birthday party in which Marilyn Monroe sang “Happy Birthday” to President Kennedy. This coincidence remains the most convincing argument that Wicca is real to date. The way “Bewitched” would portray witches as an oppressed minority remains a basic tenant of any Wiccan today. Bewitched also majorly pisses off Wiccans.

That Cartoon Title Sequence Was the Funniest Part of the Show.

Origins of Wicca part 6 (debunking what you learned from the movie “The Craft”)
The famous “Rule of Three-fold” in which whatever harm you do will come back to you three fold (made famous by the movie “The Craft”) has its “ancient origin’s” in 1968. You see, this equivalent of virtually every other religions “golden rule” actually comes from an article in that trusty magazine “Beyond.” A Gardner follower named “Raymond Buckland” wrote a 1968 article called “I Live with a Witch” in which it was first formulated. So for three-forths of Wiccas history this very key part didn’t exist. This would be like the Ten commandments having been written in the year 1500. Or put in a term Cracked readers can understand, imagine if the “Prime Directive” hadn’t been introduced to Star Trek till the Deep Space 9 series debuted.

Maybe They Will See Through My Ugly Exterior and Love Me?

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Demotivational posters

Posted by americandust on January 26, 2010

Email3,385 views | Demotivational Posters Demotivational Posters are the result of an internet parody of real-life motivational posters. Instead of inspiring or sparking hope, they make you feel even worse about life. Enjoy.

And so it begins…

Someone on the ‘net thought this made sense as a demotivational poster. We suppose if you are an English Teacher this would demotivate you.

Because this could totally happen.
Just The Facts
1.Demotivational posters are thought to have originated from a company called Despair, Inc.
2.They are a parody of a popular line of Motivational posters from a company called Successories.
3.They made the jump from the Internet to Television thanks to the show “How I Met Your Mother” as they are featured heavily in Barney’s office.
History
As long as there have been beautiful things, there have been people who are not wholly satisfied until they are mocked and transformed into something horrible. Preferably for cash. We used to call these people “critics,” now we call them “Internet users.”

Motivational posters were meant to inspire and bring smiles to the faces of simpleminded corporate slaves. Successories became extremely popular with their line in the mid 90’s when the “kindler, gentler” opinion of teambuilding was very vogue what with political correctness and all (although, this was nothing truely original as female gradeschool teachers have been hanging those retarded “Hang in There” cat posters on walls for decades before the new style posters). But something horrible was brewing and like most things horrible it was brewing on the Internet. Sometime around ’96-98 you had people discovering how to use Microsoft Paint to change images. After a year of drawing mustaches on famous people some people got really good at this and altered photos in all kinds of hilarious ways. Other people figured out it would be easy to just erase the words under the motivational posters and put up sarcastic comments. Those same people read a lot of Dilbert comics, apparently.

Popularity
Meme. Fuck that word. Fuck everything it stands for. However…that’s what it comes down too. Once the interwebz got a hold of Demotivational posters, life as we know it did not really change that much. That is of course, unless you live on You Laugh You Lose Forums, which in that case, fuck you. Hordes of people with nothing better to do began creating their own tributes to human disappointment. How ironic.

Then of course some genius comes along and said “let’s put these on shirts so that everyone else can see how funny you are,” because, you know, it makes you funny if you wear a shirt that has something funny someone else has done on it. Also, because it would be years before that totally cool Wolves howling at the moon shirt would come out. And if you can make a shirt out of it, why not a calendar?

Profits: Turning Shitty Jokes Into Money Is Possible Thanks to The Internet

Cracked on Demotivational Posters
You know at first it was kind of clever. But now they’re just getting ridiculous with it on the net. What was once a dry humor pointing out the disappointments of what working for a company is like has now became a way any hack with Photoshop can just be a bitch about anything.

I’m Clever, I Made a Cute Cat Cuss. I’m Not Bitter At All.

Worst Thing Is…
The worst thing is sometimes, despite it being a worn-out comedy crutch, they can still be really funny.

Demotivational Posters Articles

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Samurai

Posted by americandust on January 26, 2010

The Samurai were feudal Japan’s answer to Europe’s knights in shining armor, or the Roman legionary, except they had a far larger rule book, and an equally larger set of stones. And they did their best to look fabulous while they did it.

Just The Facts
1.The Samurai were the warrior class of a country that had a civil war every other fucking week, effectivly giving them larger stones than most whom will see this post.
2.When not partaking in the art of slicing up human heads like watermelons on a Shoney’s Buffet Line, the samurai enjoyed poetry, art, and other things that most westeners consider gay. Including other men.
3.So, in short, this is the kind of guy that will rip your head off and shit down your throat for piping up duiring a key plot point in “The Notebook.”
History of the Samurai
In the 8th century, the Japanese looked to the East and saw how China was doing shit better then anyone else. An organized military sounded like a good idea to steal, especially when your neighbors to the East had a very nice one. So they drafted something like one out of every four males and started training them to be warriors. However, the Japanese have always done things a bit different from the rest of the world (this is not a recent phenomenon) so they also put pressure on them to learn poetry and art. Basically anything that takes a lot of time, effort, and practice was required of these poor bastards. Little did they realize that one day Americans would just teach corn-fed boys to shoot a gun and totally be able to kick their ass. But for centuries that whole dedication and training thing paid off.

Because there were unemployed writers around Japan, someone decided to collect the code of the Samurai into what we call the Bushido code. Basically, it took away a lot of the fun of being the biggest badass with a sword in town by limiting the hell out of what you were allowed to do. It also required more poetry and art.

By the Fifteenth Century the Samurai were stressing the importance of serving one’s master. How someone convinced the baddest guys with swords to be someone else’s bitch is still not clear to historians. We suspect it had to do with pussy… lots of pussy.

A dedication to their masters, a strict ethical code, and a complete lack of fear about death meant that the Japanese were going to be formidable enemies indeed. It was completely out of character when the Japanese under the leadership of Admiral Togo had a sneak attack on the biggest Russian Pacific port in 1904. Who would have ever expected a nation built on warrior honor to do a sneak attack on a bunch of boats across the water from them? Luckily the world discovered the truth about the sneaky Japanese military and Admiral Togo. Unfortunately nobody told the United States. Or the US was too busy hiding it’s head up their isolationist asshole.

Russia, 1904 …………………………………………………………….Pearl Harbor, 1941

“The Japanese Learned More About Making Lots of Dark Smoke in those Thirty Years Then Most Nations Would Ever Learn”

Armor
While the European knights believed in putting on heavy one or two piece sets of armor to cover their bodies in a bulky atrocity of silver, the Japanese were practicing cutting edge fashion. They covered themselves with dozens of little panels of armor that quite frankly explain why modern Japanese youth are so fascinated with robots.

The Fall 1414 Line of Armor Consists of Fabulous Matching “Everything Panels.”

Honor=Killing Yourself
Lets say you’re a samurai and you bring great dishonor to your family (like maybe you disobeyed your master’s orders, or maybe you pulled a Rick Pitino and your mistress needed an abortion). Well luckily the Samurai has an ap for that: Seppuku.

Samurai carry three swords, one is really long and used for battles outdoors, one is a medium blade and is used for battling indoors and in tight places (insert “your mother joke” here). The last is used to cut his own bowels out. Yeah, that’s right. See, in Seppuku you give your long blade to your best friend and have him stand behind you with the directions of “you better cut my head off quick you fucker.” Then you take the little blade and ram it into your stomach and slice up your innards until they fall out and become outtards. Then your friend puts you out of your agony. Then –poof– your family have their honor back (but don’t have their father back). Your best friend is then free to screw your wife (probably).

Westerners used to call this Haraikiri but this is considered racist now. Apparently the Japanese don’t care for the folksy callings of the now dead but still mocked Cubs broadcaster.

Hey Norm, If you were a hotdog… would you eat yourself?

Last of the Samurai
That movie Last of the Samurai was utter shit. Seriously, they might have well called it “Dances with Samurai” (because it was about as historical a handjob to Samurais’ awesomeness as Dances with Wolves was towards Native Americans). The fact that by the time Americans were running around Japan trying to teach the Western ways of war (point gun here), the Samurai were mostly accountants and civil servants. Also, the Samurai of that age lived in the freakin’ cities instead of out in nature (a case of Hollywood deciding for image over historical accuracy). Also, who taughtTom Cruise’s character to dodge bullets while the rest of the Samurai die like red-shirted Starfleet newbies? And why did that Taka woman sleep with Cruise when he killed her husband? What the fuck is going on in this train-wreck of a movie?

Giant Jesus Lookalike Attacks Fuedal Japan, Film at Eleven.

The Poetry
Don’t make fun of the Poetry stuff (to their faces). The Samurai are the reasons we have the saying: “It’s not gay if the participants can kick your ass for making fun of it.”

“Ugh, No, I Said “Poetry is WAY”… then I got interupted before I could add “Awesome.”

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Longaberger

Posted by americandust on January 26, 2010

omeArticlesVideosColumnistsForumCraptionsTopics.
Search Cracked RSS Home > Topics > Longaberger .Email559 views | Longaberger Pretty Much Pokemon for old women. Longaberger makes about 1,000 new basket styles a year and guess who has to “collect them all”– your mother! Your future inheritance is rapidly being converted into baskets as we speak.

But The Question Is Why Are You Interested In Your Mother’s Sex Life?

Finally A Way To Store Three Books In An Unattractive Manner

Soylent Baskets Are Made Of Humans!
Just The Facts
1.JW Longaberger started making baskets in 1919.
2.Pretty much the entire town of Dresden, Ohio is based on basket-making and the Longaberger company.
3.Longaberger baskets are sold by consultants sort of like Amway.
4.Longaberger baskets are the most popular basket manufacturer in the country.
5.45,000 consultants sell their baskets at party’s sort of how tupperware used to be sold.
6.Consultants Make About 20% off Every Basket They Sell, But They Wind Up Using the Money Just To Buy More Baskets Anyway.
Cracked on Longaberger
You know how pop culture has driven into us a healthy fear of the large, soulless corporation to the point where we’re all pretty sure they’d infect our children with lead poisoning and destroy the entire rainforrest to make a dime? Think this isn’t the case, that’s basically the plot of the Nintendo DS Pets: Dolphins game for god’s sake.

Well, Longaberger is an example of a company that uses all the cliches to avoide that irrational fear. We hear at cracked present:

Longaberger: A Case Study for “The Friendly Company Cliches Checklist”

Cliche One: Made in the USA– yep, their baskets are made in the USA. But the plastic liners, cloth liners, boxes, pottery, and some hardware for the baskets are made in the third world. In this way the baskets are a perfect analogy for the American economy, loudly and brashly American but held together by cheap foreign labor.

And Just Like This Pin, Our Economy is Slowing Being Surrounded and Suffocated.

Cliche Two: Headed by super cheerful company President- Tami Longaberger is a cheerful, bright, shining example of CEO. Imagine Vanna White in jeans and you’ve got the idea. This person is exactly the kind of person you want heading up a company that depends on the efforts of thousands of (mostly) housewives to peddle their goods. Seriously, if the Mafia had an independent, strong but classy woman heading them up they’d be the most respected industry in America.

Seriously, If She Had Been Governor of an Unimportant State She’d Make a Great Vice President of the United States.

Cliche Three: A Corporate Headquarters That Does Things Differently– You know how Apple thinks of itself as thinking outside the box and used to fly a pirate flag out front? Well The fine folks at Longaberger built their headquarters to look like one of their baskets. Insert basket-case joke here. Oh, and eat that, Apple. Longaberger spent millions to showcase how committed to their cause that they are and you spent $14.95 on a nylon pirate flag (or $3 at a carnival booth to win a prize from the top row).

“I Swear to God If One More Jerk in the Mailroom Makes A ‘We’re Going To Hell in A Handbasket’ Joke, I’m Gonna Go Postal!”

Cliche Four: Bastardize Your Product To Make It Appeal To Niche Markets, uhm, We Mean “The Something For Everyone” Approach–Apparently men are idiots. If we can’t see the use of a product and would never buy it in a million years, then all it takes to change our mind is to somehow tie it into something we actually like… such as football. Longaberger baskets (or as your brother calls them “those gay-ass baskets mom keeps buying”) has even tried to man-up their baskets by making football baskets. Seriously… oh, and they’re too small to keep anything in except maybe your pocket change. Of course you won’t have any pocket change because this 5 inch basket cost $40 WITHOUT THE FOOTBALL SHAPED LID. Not to mention the liner and such.

“You Know, Ray Lewis Has Four of These Sitting On His Dresser. One’s For Earrings, One’s For Neck Bling, One Holds His Wallet, and One Holds His Incriminating Shell Casings.”

Cliche Five: Buy from someone you know!– Yeah, why sell your products through trained professional salespeople when you can instead sucker in some lonely housewives to guilt their relatives into buying your overpriced baskets.

Your Crazy Aunt Is Now Selling Longaberger. Guess Who’s About To Get Reminded of How She Let Them Live With Her That Month During High School After They Were Busted By Their Parents For Smoking Dope? That Basket Will Cost You $125.

Image is Everything

Let’s face it. Everything is sold based on the product putting a perfect image into your head of what your life will be like if you used that product. This is sometimes called “The Light-Beer Commercial Syndrome.” Well, Longaberger does the same thing.

Just imagine all the uses of baskets.

So if you don’t live on an orchard or something like that you’ve come up with one use: to put stuff in it. Yep, that’s pretty much what we have here. So how do you spice up the image of something you basically just use as a crap-holder?

Organization.

It’s a multi-billion dollar industry, you know. So here’s what is promised if you buy a shitload of Longaberger baskets:

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Climategate

Posted by americandust on January 26, 2010

In the Middle Ages, the Catholic Church tried to silence all opposition, research, and questions into how the world works that ran counter to their beliefs. In the 1990’s and 2000’s, it was “scientists” who were doing this.

“Hoyven Glayven…. Life’s work ruined… Plan B: I’ll just make some shit up!”

Just The Facts
1.Climategate is about the millionth time the word “Gate” has been attached to something to describe a conspiracy.
2.Climategate exposes the shady dealings of top-level scientists that the United Nations rely upon for Climate policies.
3.Climategate does not exist, according to NBC, ABC, and CBS news organizations which refused to cover the story for 14 days and counting after the story broke and made it the front page of every British paper, CNN, Foxnews, and even The Daily Show.
4.Climategate proves all science is horseshit, according to religious fundamentals.
Cracked on Climategate
Someone (rumored to be the first blogger to actually do something worth writing about) hacked into the email servers at the Climatic Research Unite at East Anglia University in England and posted their emails at various webpages located in such exotic locals as Tomsk Russia. While it was rumored that lots of embarrassing personal emails between scientist were discovered, the real find was professional correspondences that seem to reveal a massive amount of data manipulation, false studies, and a coordinated effort to discredit those scientists who don’t manipulate their data to support the belief that humans have caused the Earth to warm.

Before we get to the whole conspiracy that might wind up severely damaging the global economy in the name of psuedo-science, let’s focus a bit on those personal emails. What kind of juicy tidbits could we find in the private emails of men and (presumably, or at least theoretically possible) women who have dedicated their lives to studying temperature? We here at Cracked will now reveal the inner workings of the heart of some of the biggest scientist-nerds on the planet:

“I saw that cleaning lady in the hall again today, Greg. She wouldn’t even look at me! I know I’m not much of a looker, but I have six major doctorate degrees… besides, she’s 40 years old, walks with a limp, and has a mole with hair on it on her face. It’s no use, I know she thinks I’m some disgusting pig because I leave my notes all over my desk in such disarray. But I can’t help it, when she swings that mop around the floor my mind races with uncanny thoughts… and not just about thermodynamic law and inertia, mind you. I think I experience the sensation that normal humans call “getting horned up.” I get as erect as the recently discovered Orrorin tugenensis!”

“Uhm, Greg, Your Scientific Instrument is Showing.”

The rather unscientific actions of “scientists”
So what was learned from the emails (other then the primitive and unsuccessful mating techniques of the uber-nerd?

First, it appears that scientists don’t get the same amount of ads for Viagra over the internet that most of us do. Seriously, why the fuck are we even on that list? That infuriates us. It’s like someone out there just assumes we have erection problems but aren’t not smart enough to drive down to Tijuana and pick up some of our little blue helper. I’ll have you know we are smart enough to do that, thank you very much. We presume this means that scientists have some sort of super-awesome spam blocker they are keeping for themselves like the greedy bastards we know they are.

Secondly, scientists are about as faithful to the scientific method as Tiger Woods is to his wife.

Thirdly, our high school chem lab teacher was so full of shit when she said that we’d never make it as scientists if we fudged our data rather then re-run the whole damn experiment. Well thanks a lot Mrs. Haven for shutting that door. Do you know how much research scientists get paid? Us neither, but we’re sure it’s more then “internet humorists” get paid. Thanks a fucking lot Mrs H.

Fourthly, Scientists are willing to go to such amazing links to scare us into changing our behavior, have you seen this piece about how global warming is going to make snakes and alligators team up to kill us from Florida to New Jersey?

Oh Dear God… If We Had To Stand Next To This And Give A Speech It Would Be The Sum Of All Our Fears In One Horrible, Horrible Situation.

So what exactly did the scientists do that they’re not supposed to do?

1. Rigged the codes in the computer to artificially increase the temperature to make up for when there were no increase in temps, especially since 1998 on during which time the temps have actually fallen from the one time high of 1998’s temp.

2. Created a plan for how to blacklist scientists, researchers, and journal editors who didn’t accept manmade Global Warming. In fact, even those who said they weren’t sure about the topic were blacklisted. They then talked about how to ruin any scientific journal that published any work of doubters. They had decided they would not publish in any journal that would publish any countering views, nor would they cite any other works from that journal thus cutting off that journal’s prestiege in an attempt to ruin it.

3. Discussed other methods of changing the data to explain away inconsistencies with the data and their desired results.

But this is a one time deal, right?

Uhm… no. there’s the famous hockey stick model, which was a major masterpiece of a fraud. Oh and guess who depended upon that bit of unscientific ficition? Oh, just the United Nations with the Intergovernmental Panel On Climate Change.

How We All Fell For It
So Manmade Global Warming is all a hoax, right?

Well, maybe…. and maybe not. There are other scientists whose data might be more reliable. We suppose there has to be some good scientists in a world filled with evil scientist, right? If we’ve learned nothing else from Comic books and cartoons, it is that for every mad scientist there is a good scientist working hard to stop him and vice versa. Like Doctor Doom vs Reid Richards, right?

But the bigger question is why did we all fall for this shit?

Was it because we just assume people with degrees are going to tell us the truth? Your grade-school teacher had degrees of some sort and they lied all the fucking time, didn’t they? Lawyers have degrees, right? They’re real honest, especially when they’re elected to represent the public interest as Congressmen, right? On the flipside, how many high school dropouts (who don’t owe you money and are not dating your teenage daughter) have ever lied to you? Not a one, right? What the fuck, man?

So why did we fall for it? One word: Charts. You just can’t argue with charts. That hockey stick model blew our fucking minds when Al Gore slammed it in our face. Despite the fact that even then we knew it was bullshit (there was no Medieval Warm Period) we were helpless… it was a chart! With colors! You can’t fight that shit.

As You Can See, Four out of Four Scientists Agree, “We’re Fucked.”

Computers Make Faking Shit Easier.
Unless you’ve never heard of photoshop, you know that computers make it easier to fuck with things. That’s pretty much what these scientists did. They made a computer program that allowed them to fake the data by taking the data they collected (supposedly valid, but who knows at this point?) and throwing in some random numbers to make the data look scarier. No shit. Seriously. Imagine if your fantasy football commissioner were allowed to throw in some random numbers to his scoreline each week… you’d raise all kinds of hell. Especially if money was on the line, which by the way, billions have been spent on green initiatives around the world thanks to the efforts of people like Michael Mann whose methods have been exposed as fraudulent. He’s probably working for Dr. Doom.

The whole issue was seriously in question before we even get to the point of putting the data into a computer program that is designed to change the data to make it appear temps are increasing of late. Apparently, counting tree rings is pretty freakin’ hard. Then the data itself was taken into 30 year means, smoothed out for anomalies, then re-wrinkled with simple averaging. Presumably because computers couldn’t handle all that raw data. Oh by the way, it seems the decisions of what trees to use is kind of a big deal. Also, if trees are vital to the environment why are scientists cutting down so many in mass executions of the only thing standing between us and the greenhouse effect?

Okay, So Its Not ALWAYS Bad To Use a Computer to Fake Things (Who Even Noticed That Her Belly Button Was Missing?)

A Conservatives Wet Dream
While Scientists have came off looking like frauds from this whole mess, Conservatives are lining up to form one big “douche conga-line” by making equally stupid claims that this proves them right about everything.

You get one Guess where this is headed:

Manmade Global Warming is false; therefore Evolution must be false too. Right? If one scientist is a fraud, then they all are, right? That’s how we know all Jews are greedy, Asians are smart, and White Guys have little dicks, right? It’s so much easier to stereotype then put the effort into thinking, agreed?

But for now nobody’s publicly made that claim (yet). So instead we’re treated to the “brilliant” new phrase “Watermelon Marxist” for someone who is “Green” on the outside but “Red” on the inside. How long do you give it until someone claims this is racist?

As Japan has proven, weird things happen when science and produce mix.

Square Watermelons: Thank You Very Much Japanese Scientists

The Fishy Timing of It All…
So perhaps lost in all this is the fact that the emails were hacked and released into the wild just a month or so before the world’s leaders came together in Copenhagen, Denmark to sign a new batch of environmentally friendly/economically crippling legislation. Did we mention that it was a crime to hack emails and reveal personal info? Does this sound familiar? Didn’t we just go through this same hacking a famous person story right before the 2008 election? Of course then all we found out is that Sarah Palin is as hokey in private as she is in public.

But sadly, the world’s leaders learned nothing from the whole deal as during the Copenhagen meetings text-messages were hacked and exposed that reveal the world’s leaders were planning to screw the little guys by totally abandoning the same Kyoto treaty they’d been boasting about for a decade and making lots of loopholes for the most powerful nations to do whatever the hell they want. God Bless The American Way, eh Gents?

Pick The Winning Craption For This Photo:

1) Even Guyana Wants Nothing to Do With Haiti… It’s Sad Really.

2) Haiti Regretted Sending Ambassador Fartsalot to the Copenhagen Meetings.

3) Moments After Haiti’s Delegate Learned She Would Be Personally Billed For All The Pornographic Movies She Watched in Her Hotel Room.

4) Moments After Haiti’s Delegate Learned She Would Have To Return Home To Haiti At The End of The Conference.

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subbuteo

Posted by americandust on January 26, 2010

An English children’s game that is the Soccer equivalent of Electric Football minus the electricity and the guys running around aimlessly in circles. Today adults play the game in tournaments to see who is the best in the world–at a Children’s game.

If you love low-scoring games without commercials for bathroom breaks, you’ll love Subbuteo!

Stabbing Your Opponent In the Eye Right Before Shooting Is A Proven Goal-Scoring Technique.

Wait… floodlights? Floodlights for a table-top game?
Just The Facts
1.Started in England in 1947 as a tabletop version of soccer for children to play.
2.There are other sports that have been Subbuteoized, but none are as popular as the soccer one.
3.Today, mainly adults play the game in leagues and tournaments.
4.There are even World Championships and Continental Championships.
5.Some players have openly admitted that they only play the game to get out of the house and drink beer with their friends without having to pay excessively to join an adult organization like the Masons or Water Buffalo lodge.
6.These “Lesser Players” laugh at how the obsessive players compete to win championships to be able to call themselves the “king of the dorks.”
Origins.
The game started in 1947 in England and spread to the rest of the soccer loving world. By the 60’s the pieces became pretty realistic and the subbuteo brand became as much about collecting different teams and accessories as it was about playing the game.

Children playing a heated game in 1960. Not pictured: Girls.

Adults playing a heated game in 2000 or so. Not Pictured: Girls.

The irony is that as children the game was something you did because you couldn’t get any girls to come around. As adults, the game is played mainly to get away from the girls in your life. There’s no truth to the rumor that the game was once going to be called “Girl Repellent” but that name was copywrited by another product and had to be named “Subbuteo” (which is the name of a Falcon known commonly as the “Hobby Falcon” and thus the game being a Hobby and all… oh hell, just screw it, it has a funny name now deal with that).

Playing the game (or: How to become even less socially acceptable).
Whereas soccer is a game that requires tons of running, the use of your head (literally), and just about every muscle group in your body (including your hands smartass, after all there are goalies and throw-ins), subbuteo replaces all that with one finger. That’s right you play by using one finger (and it’s not even the cool finger).

Giant Penis Attacks World Cup, Film at Eleven.

The tiny figures stand on half-circle bases and are flicked across the board to knock a ball into a net. The game is played on a felt-like soccer pitch that is too big for coffee tables yet too small for dinner tables. As a result you have to build a table just for the game. This is just the start of the ridiculous efforts it takes to earn the title “King of the Dorks” by being the best local player. Perhaps more frustrating is that you have to actually recruit players, as the game is kind of unknown in America. You are left deciding between making your friends join (especially disheartening if your friends don’t even like soccer) and talking to strange expats who happen to come from a soccer-loving country where subbuteo is a popular children’s game. So yeah, non-soccer lovers will think you’re a dork for liking soccer whereas soccer-lovers will think you’re a dork for playing a kiddie game.

The game itself is played sort of like soccer with the exception that you have to be past a line called “the shooting line” to, well, you know, shoot. You have to be able to flick your little soccer guy into the ball without having either the ball or the player hit an opposing player. While on defense you basically flick your players into positions so that the opponent will hit them and thus lose the ball.

There are lots of little rules to the game, but much like soccer if you just get drunk and watch it you’ll catch the drift of it.

Collecting
The full line of Subbuteo pieces in the 1970’s and 1980’s was about as large as an average 12 year old’s Pokemon collection.

Behold the crap players spent money on (which was not actually necessary to play the game).

Stadium Pieces (you need about 24 to circle the field).

A toy trophy… ‘cuz, you know, everything is cooler with a trophy, right fantasy football geeks?

Colored balls. Like that will help differentiate between the half inch ball and the quarter inch players.

A Camera crew.. What? A camera crew? That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard of… until….

Ball Boys! Ball Boys, they have freakin’ Ball Boys to place around the field in case the ball goes out you can pretend they retrieve it instead of your giant hand.

30 years later and some genius self-produces (and mass sells) the only accessory so useless but cool that it counter balances the ball boys… we present:

A Streaker! Now you can pretend the little guys in the crowd are all chanting: “It’s not THAT cold, It’s not THAT cold.”

Lesser Players Association
For many the game is just an excuse to get out of the house, hang with some friends, and drink lots of beer. Kind of what baseball was before the price of tickets were raised to be about the same amount you paid for your first car.

For these beer-loving players a distinct sub-culture sprung up called “The Lesser Players Association.” This American group realizes the funny element of the fact that players were trying to dominate each other in a children’s game version of a sport that isn’t even that popular in American anyway.

“Beer Makes Everything Tolerable” (Soon to be the official slogan of Major League Baseball)

Landycakes
Spawning out of the St. Louis Subbuteo league was the invention of a side game called “Landycakes.” Landycakes takes its name from the nickname given to American forward Landon Donovan because for years Donovan spurned the bigger leagues of the world to stay in the small pond that is Major League Soccer which has led many to question his heart (and by heart, we mean balls).

Landycakes uses the Subbuteo players in a game sort of like shuffleboard minus the old people with pants halfway to their nose or curling minus the ice and brooms and Canadians saying “nice curl, eh!” It is both a Subbuteo skill competition and a great way to win a bunch of Twinkies (and by twinkies we don’t mean young gay men, unless you’re playing a version we’re not familiar with).

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