American Dust

A random blog that features things like soccer, politics, personal financial advise, and sometimes comics.

Winter Olympics

Posted by americandust on January 26, 2010

Email350 views | 2010 Winter Olympics Remember when people gave a shit about the Olympics? Well even then nobody cared about the WINTER Olympics. Today’s Olympics are trying to reinvent themselves as the even less popular kid brother of the Summer Olympics.

Just The Facts
1.The 2010 Winter Olympics Will Be Held In Vancouver, Canada.
2.Canada is a beast at Winter Olympic games… sometimes finishing third in medal totals.
3.These Olympics are part of a campaign to fulfill Canada’s deepest dreams–to become the next Japan (not in terms of technology or economic importance, just in weirdness).
Cracked on the 2010 Winter Olympics
So it’s pretty well established that the Winter Olympics are a cheap knock-off of the Summer Olympics. The fact that the Summer Olympics suck so bad that the biggest story to come from them came from the exciting world of swimming tells you how sad the Olympics have became. The Winter events are notoriously worse.

In a move to try to save the sagging Winter Olympics, the IOC gave the games to that cutting edge, trendsetting nation we all love: Canada. This is like Nike turning to Quaker Oates to ask how to regain thier cool image.

So the Canadians decide they wanted to break out of their current image by going ape-shit crazy post-modern. While the Canadians got the ball rolling, even the US decided to go retro-future-modern-idiotic with their efforts (by having Ralph Lauren design yuppie douchebag outfits for the “athletes” to wear).

Behold: The Craptacular 2010 Winter Olympics

The 2010 Medals
The whole Gold, Silver, Bronze thing is an icon. So why not screw with that icon and make the medals (the thing dedicated athletes have worked their whole damn lives to achieve) the most unattractive thing you’ve ever seen. Take that dedicated athlete of a sport very few people give a shit about. Here, we DARE you to wear this piece of crap around your neck. It looks like someone bought a small coaster from Pier One and put it on a participation medal from your local spelling bee. Seriously, your child can make a better one and it shows you how on this page.

“Okay, Who Put My Foil Covered Chocolate Coins Near the Heater?”

What on Earth led to this? Oh, I see… they’re from recycled materials, aren’t they. Maybe they recycled the old 1998 Calgary medals that even the winners don’t give a crap about anymore. But why are they Wavy? Did Lay’s Potato Chips sponsor these pieces of crap?

Wait… they let Shaun White design these, didn’t they?

Cheap T-Shirt for Kids at Target, or crime Against Humanity?

2010 Olympic Mascot
Okay, to be fair Olympic Mascots are usually required to be retarded.

Oh dear god it gets worse then ever before.

Okay… we have a sasquatch, an eagle-fox, and a naked goth chick sporting an alfalfa haircut. Yep… it seems Canadians are trying to become the new Japan. But why does a freakin’ sasquatch need earmuffs?

2010 Logo
Okay, the Winter Olympic Logos are usually kinda cool. This is where sleek and modern design really comes into play so lets look at…

Really? This is the one thing you decide to not futurize? You just put the classic Olympic symbol underneath your lame “Canadian Stonehenge”?

The Worst (Sadly) The Best Scene From Transformer’s 3: Revenge of the Rock-Bots.

Olympic Torch
Perhaps the greatest symbol of all the Olympics is the torch. So imagine a committee gathering somewhere to design this icon’s update for 2010. Apparently we forgot to mention the committee is full of total stoners (Shaun White again?) as they made the thing look like a freakin’ joint.

Giant Joint, or Giant Tampon Applicator on Fire? Either Way Shaun White Is Good To Go.

How To Save The Winter Olympics
There is still hope that the Winter Olympics could one day be awesome again finally. As the games incorporate more and more of the X-games style events things are getting better. However, a few minor changes could be made in the older, more established games to make this THE must-see event of the year. A few modest changes we here at cracked recommend include:

And finally a way losers from the earlier events can still participate in some form in the later events of the Olympics:


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