American Dust

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Major League Soccer

Posted by americandust on January 26, 2010

Major League Soccer is a successful attempt to disinterest both American Soccer Fans and European style Eurosnob Soccer fans.

A foot kicking a ball… very clever MLS!

Reason Most Athletes Don’t Play Soccer

How the New York Team Was Named
Just The Facts
1.Major League Soccer started in 1996, just 133 years after the sport was created.
2.MLS manages to piss off American Sports Fans and Soccer Purists BOTH by trying to blend the two distinct paradigms.
3.With a Salary Cap of just two Million dollars, it is no wonder the league is the butt of jokes in both the American Sportsscene and the international soccer scene.
Cracked on Major League Soccer
Major League Soccer had the major misfortune of being created in the mid 1990’s. While it was past time for America to get a true soccer league, it was also a time when American marketing geniuses thought names should include words like “Burn,” “Clash,” and “Fusion.” Nobody has any clue why the team in New York was called “MetroStars” but we figure a game of Boggle was to blame.

You know what would have been cooler? Actual NYC buildings in the logo instead of generic comic book crap. It must have taken literally minutes to photoshop Spiderman out of the drawing they stole for the buildings.

Pissing Off Everyone
In an attempt to alienate foriegn soccer fans to prevent the league from getting any respect around the world, the MLS decided to Americanize the game. This included tie-breaking penalty kicks because Americans couldn’t handle the thought of watching a game end in ties (despite NFL games that used to do this a few times a season). Likewise, the games featured an Americanized time keeping system featuring the clock running down (ala every clock-dominated game) instead of counting up. Perhaps worst of all, the league insisted on having a playoff determine the champion of the league. See, in every other league around the world the team that finishes first after playing all the other teams twice each is crowned the champ. However, in America we don’t like to reward people for being great for a long period of time, we like our champs to be great for a three or four week period we call the playoffs. (This fascinating part of the American psyche explains why in the 1990’s Billy Ray Cyrus sold more albums then Johnny Cash).

The First MLS Cup Trophy (Which looks exactly like what a 9 year old girl gets for participating in her local youth soccer league).

Unlike all other professional sports leagues in America, you are allowed to compete in Major League Soccer while living in poverty. See, the minimum wage is $33,000 which is ALMOST what a public School teacher makes. Some part time players make less then that if they’re relatively young yet still too old to count as child labor. $33,000 is decent enough money if you play for the Columbus Crew, because Columbus isn’t that expensive a town (any place where Golden Corral is in the top resteraunt can’t be that expensive). However, MLS has foolishly put teams in places like LA, New York, and Seattle. Most Seattleites spend that much in coffee a month. As a result in LA about four to six players live in a rented house together to cut down on expenses (and no, that’s not a Mexican joke, I wasn’t talking about Chivas USA, I was talking about Galaxy teamates). It is believed that Chris Pontius of D.C. United sleeps on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial to cut down on expenses.

Meanwhile, David “golden balls” Beckham makes $50,000,000 a year through the combination of salaries and the selling of his image to companies that are looking for someone who is covered in stupid tatooes while still seeming to be prim and proper.

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