Posted by americandust on March 12, 2007
So here’s my response to Marvel’s big epic “Civil War” mini-series. If you’re a comic fan, you’ll follow this, if not, it’s best for you to move on now.
While on patrol, the reality-TV star superhero team the Nuevo-Warriors come across several powerful villains recently freed from prison by an administrative error. The young, brash leader of the Nuevo-Warriors, Free-base, decides the underpowered heroes should attack the villains without calling for backup. At first the battle seems to go the Nuevo-Warrior’s way. Until The Exploding Guy decides to take the fight to the middle of a playground full of young children. Not just any children though, this is the Stamford Prep School for Kids with Large Trust Funds. Fearing any repercussions from letting The Exploding Guy destroy the children of the suburban rich, Free-base uses his flying ability to take the Exploding Guy into the higher levels of the Atmosphere before he is able to detonate with the power of a small nuclear bomb. The explosion apparently kills Free-base and the radiation is scattered harmlessly around the atmosphere. All seems well.
Until a secret Government Cabal of Socialist Scientist decide to release their report on the explosion’s effect on the planet. It appears that the Earth’s temperature has risen by an amazing one-tenth of one percent Fahrenheit. This raise in temperature is claimed to lead to the massive flooding and loss of all of Florida. Unfortunately, nobody bothers to check to see if Florida is still there and dozens of hippies take to the street protesting with signs that say, “Remember the Florida.” Congressmen rush back from their weekend trips to the Bahamas to pass legislation demanding that Super-heroes must register and be trained in environmentally sound super heroics. Under the new laws, those heroes who have explosion or even combustion based powers will be shut down.
The superhero community gathers at the local Applebee’s to determine what course they should take. Captain BleedingHeart, a life-long supporter of environmentally based policy unexpectedly has a reversal of character and runs screaming from the building. He is picked up by members of Greenpeace in the back of a ’67 custom van. When confronted by the supreme leader of Greenpeace the Captain unexpectedly flips out, punches everyone in the face, jumps onto a moving truck and rides off into the night while giving everyone the finger.
Meanwhile, back at Applebee’s the rest of the heroes plot what they will do. The Scientist Supreme (Steven Slightly-off) decides that even though he could use his scientific ability to solve this problem, it would be immoral for him to interfere with the way of the mortals. He then uses his power to get free beer, impress chicks while playing darts, and talk a young girl into giving him a ride home. The Tin Man is finally pride away from the bar after one too many margaritas, at which point he aggress to sign anything the government wants. The Amazing Arachnid-guy decides he’s always looked up to the Tin-Guy and decides he’ll side with him. Meanwhile, the Evolving Blaxsploitation Guy decides to stick it to the man and will join Captain Bleeding Heart should he ever return. One by one the heroes decide to stay with the Tin Man or sneak off into the shadows to join Captain Bleeding Heart’s resistance movement. All of the really popular characters just happen to go join Captain Bleeding Heart while all the tools, wife-beaters, alcoholics, newly created, and simply boring characters decide to join the Tin Man’s pro-government force. Together they will be known as the Tool’s of Oppression.
At a large press conference, a slightly sober Tin Man reveals to the world that he is actually industrialist Anthony Farks. To which the press replies, “Yeah, we know that. You told us last year. And the year before that. Oh, and there was that Christmas card back in ’97 that said ‘Anthony Farks, a.k.a. Tin Man, wishes you a Merry Christmas.’” At which point Farks decides to say “What the hell… the Amazing Arachnid is actually Parker Peters.” This causes a bit of confusion as “Parker Peters” sounds amazingly close to the name of a rather popular adult actress of whom most of the press is amazingly familiar. Once the confusion is settled, Parker Peters (the hero, not the other one) comes out and waves to the crowd. Immediately all of the Arachnid’s villains look him up in the phone book and plot to kill his super-model wife and old aunt.
Meanwhile, Captain Bleeding Heart has put together his incredibly popular team to oppose the laws. At their big meeting (held at the lovely downtown Dayton Ohio Holiday Inn—with the sign out front saying “Dayton Holiday Inn—site of the Dayton Peace Accords to end the war in former Yugoslavia—Welcomes Captain BleedingHeart’s outlaw heroes. We have HBO”), Captain chides everyone for not being as old and revered as himself. The younger heroes offer up plans of getting media support, organizing a grass roots letter-writing campaign, collected signatures for a special referendum at the next election, and generally supporting the legal process for change. To which Captain BleedingHeart tells them “No… we fight… Now!” The Amazingly popular heroes decide to rush off to challenge Tin Man’s heroes. Here we even notice The Tall Black guy for the first time in 20 years as he says “Yeah!”
Captain BleedingHeart and Tin Man meet in secret at a site special to them (where they first got drunk together—a Ruby Tuesday’s down the street from Revenger’s Mansion). Luckily nobody else was in the restaurant, what with it being a Ruby Tuesday’s and all. The Tin Man offers a peace plan that would allow the heroes to continue being heroes, which Captain Bleeding Heart refuses and storms off—thus leaving the Tin Man with the check.
The next day the two forces battle in Shea Stadium (luckily nobody minded as it was more interesting than watching the Mets play). Both sides launch into a huge explosion-laden attack (despite the ban on combustion-attacks). Although the battle seems huge, it appears nobody is hurt. However, at the end, the Norse god of being a Jerk (Thor) appears and despite being a semi-popular character he has sided with the Tin Man. Thor then zaps the Tall Black Guy (who utters his second line of the decade—“Ouch”). The Tall Black Guy’s body falls on most of the legal heroes and creates enough cover for the popular characters to scramble away from the battle.
Afterwards, the Tall Black Guy is buried in an abandoned coalmine in Western Kentucky. At the funeral, the Amazing Arachnid decides to attack the Tin Guy. Despite being incredibly out powered, the Amazing Arachnid wins the battle and runs off.
Later that night, Tin Man’s prime assistant Stretcho-Brain discovers a letter from his wife, the See-through Girl. “Dear Stretcho, I find everything you are doing on behalf of Tin Guy to be repulsive. You make me sick. I no longer love you. I think you are going to get us all killed. I am leaving the kids with you. Love, See-through girl. P.S. if you mess up my Tivo and I lose “All My Children” I’m gonna kick you in the balls.”
Stretcho-Brain and Tin Guy discuss their future, which includes a giant prison in the Non-Existent Zone called “#42 (named because it is the 42nd most ridiculous thing in this mini-series so far.
At this point there is a three-month delay in the story.
Now the heroes in hiding decide to strike back at the Tools of Oppression. The Tools are expecting it however, and they transport the battle from a very secluded abandoned prison to the very, very public streets of New York during the busiest time of day (the 43rd most ridiculous thing in this mini-series). At the big battle, Thor is revealed to be a clone, no wait, a robot, no actually a cyborg… wait, maybe a clone of a cyborg? It doesn’t matter much as a Greek hero who speaks no Greek attacks the clone and destroys him as the two most powerful and popular female characters stand by and watch while making comments like “ouch, that’s a big punch.” “I heard there’s more big things on Hercules then his punch, if you know what I mean” and “Math is hard.” For some reason nobody notices this complete change in character from Stormy and the See-through Girl.
As the battle picks up and building after building is destroyed, Captain Bleeding Heart uses his “Tin Guy Repellent” spray to disarm the Tin Guy. The then beats the Tin Guy half to death only to unexpectedly and unrealistically be pulled away by four small children with tears in his eyes. Tear-filled eyes of children are Captain Bleeding Heart’s greatest weakness. At which point the Captain orders every one of the opposition heroes to quit fighting as he explains, “this F on my head does indeed stand for France.”
The Captain is arrested and sent to jail. The press reveals where he is being kept and which direction he’ll take to the courthouse for arraignment the next day, at noon exactly while being escorted by only two non-hero guards. “At least nothing can happen to me now” says the Captain.
BONUS TRADEPAPERBACK BONUS: The interview of the authors of Global Warring.
Interviewer: What you’ve set up is great.
Mark Miller (author of the mini-series): Yeah it is, isn’t it.
Interviewer: It sure is. How are you so great?
Mark Miller: It comes from being reassured time and again as I destroy classic icons… the editors keep telling me “you’re great.” You have to believe those guys… they’re professional editors afterall… they know goodness, you know? Interviewer: You sure are. So tell me, how did you come up with the ending?
Mark Miller: That wasn’t me… we brought in this guy that wrote an incredibly crappy TV show that only brain-dead idiots, teenagers, and fan boys could get into… He came up with the ending. He said something like “you know what the worst ending ever could be…” and we were like “yeah, we’ll do that!”
Interviewer: So who’s the villain in the series?
Mark Miller: We were really careful not to make either side look bad, don’t you think? So we gave the lawbreakers all the cool characters and the others got the tools. It really works. Basically we all knew from the get go that Dick Cheney is the world’s greatest villain.
Interviewer: So which ides of Dick Cheney’s do you think are the worst.
Mark Miller: Oh I don’t follow American politics. I just know he’s evil.
Interviewer: Yep, sure is. So where are you from
Mark Miller: I’m Scottish. So I hate America almost as much as I hate Britain.
Interviewer: So how long have you been studying America.
Mark Miller: A couple months, so I figure I understand all of it by now.